Hard Facts

Well this post has really nothing to do with infertility, alcoholism, or really even being pregnant even though my future after having a baby is the key topic of discussion today.

I don’t like my job. I hate sitting here in front of the computer for 90% of my work week. I want to be active and work with people- have conversations, use words! I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, but sitting here in my office is not for me. So you might say that I need to change jobs – simple enough, right?

Wrong, my job is the bread winner of our family, it also provides us with our health insurance and it’s super flexible (at least in terms of come/go hours, ability to leave for appointments, etc.). So I can’t just willy-nilly leave and pursue anything that wouldn’t also provide most of these luxuries. This makes me feel so bad – if DH would happen to get a better paying job, perhaps one that had insurance options etc. then I could pursue other ideas like a home daycare and sunless tanning job (random- I know, but people say I’m really good with kids and should open up a daycare, and I have a huge passion for safe sun and there really is nobody in town who is solely in the business of sunless tanning).

If we weren’t tied to the family farm we could leave town and find opportunities elsewhere, but we like it here, and I so get what its like to have a family business. Believe me if I were a guy I’d be home building houses taking over our construction business (wish I could do that now… maybe not, but still can’t wait to build our own house some day).

I just find it so unbearable to think that I’ve gone through grad school (which I am STILL NOT DONE with my paper – ugggghhhhhhhh) I have a good job, that I like, but do not love and cannot stay in forever. I’m on a tenure track position, but I really do not want to pursue tenure when I have no passion for the job!

My one hope is to stick this out long enough for a position to open at the local hospital, perhaps then I could get back into the clinical side of things. However, I just recently quit my PRN job because working overnight when pregnant did not sound appealing to me, and I’ve worked too hard to get to this point to feel stressed and overworked for a job that isn’t necessary.

I just feel stuck, can’t leave for anything that doesn’t get us close to what I make now, but I also can’t ask DH to change jobs just so I could hopefully be happier.

All I know is that I need to buck up, work hard on what I am doing now- can’t slack off just because I don’t care for the job. I still have students who depend on me and I could be so much better for them. I need to focus on my work and save stuff like blog posting, facebook checks, and ‘research’ (aka baby comparison shopping) to after hours. If I could just do the things that need to be done and feel proud of that I think I would be so much happier – but what is worse~ forcing yourself to do work you don’t like in hopes of being happy with those accomplishments, or leaving and creating a difficult situation in hopes of finding happiness in something you do?

Hope all is well in your world.

-Seeking Shirley

Still Going!

Hello All- Still here, going strong… my right boob never did bounce back (damn it), but I think all is going well – 8 weeks so far!

Still scared, but opening up a bit. I actually took a big step and un-hid all my pregnant/doting mama friends from facebook… Boy were there a lot! Now it seems my news feed is sooooo much fuller!

Still not done with my bleep bleepidy bleep bleep paper – I so want to get this done and enjoy what little is left of summer!

Hope all is well for everyone else- have a good weekend, I have my 10th HS reunion this weekend, very excited!

-SeekingShirley

Scare Tactics

As happy as I am to be at this point, my joy is overshadowed by the looming thought that it could all go away at any minute.

Anytime my boobs stop hurting, any twinge of my uterus, and the constant lack of morning sickness makes me worry. I’ve been very worried for the past 12 hours or so. For the last two/three days I’ve been able to brush my teeth and clear my through without gagging… not that I want that feeling of an impending up-chuck, but it is comforting in a way. When it’s gone my mind can’t help but wonder why today all of a sudden I can stomach that?

Then last night I notice that my boobs aren’t as sore when I took off my bra, and then I look down and gasp my right boob is smaller than the left one now… it just doesn’t seem as full as it did a couple days ago- both boobs seem deflated today. So then my mind wonders, I can accept pain coming and going, but fullness and size? Match that with my lack of my morning gag routine and you have one worried lady!

I tell DH this last night and I was restless all night, praying constantly that God doesn’t take this one away from me too. Didn’t sleep well, can’t concentrate on work etc. etc. etc.

Then this morning I ask DH if he has a good feeling about all this, and he says Yes. I ask if he’s sure or if he’s just saying that and he says Yes again, and tells me that he actually had a bad feeling about our first pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. What an odd comfort, but it was comforting to me to hear that his premonition has a positive outlook for Cletus the Fetus and Us! I have long thought that fathers have some sort of magical connection in some way – like when my friends husband knew she was pregnant before she knew- strange little feelings like that. So I feel better this morning after hugging it out with DH- thank God for his good feelings to make me feel better!

I have a feeling it’s going to be a wild up and down rollercoaster for the next 16.5 weeks. My friend and I had lunch yesterday- she’s 24 weeks and informed me that her OB told her that if anything happened before 24 weeks they couldn’t do anything to help- that’s reassuring for this lady who just wanted to get through 12 weeks- geesh!

I work in medical imaging, but don’t do ultrasound… man I wish I would have went down that road now!  Imaging your self or anyone else without a doctors order is not allowed, but man what I would give to see a heartbeat and have that reassurance! It would just be too tempting not to!  So I resign myself to faith, let it all go to God for now. I just have to work on letting it stay with God- it’s just hard to do when all you’ve known is disappointment and loss to think that it will be different this time! … Let God take it from me and wait to hear a heartbeat with a stethoscope which isn’t illegal! 🙂

Hope you have a Happy Hump Day!