Tag Archives: IUI

Having Patience is Testing my Patience!

I have no idea if IUI #3.2 was a success or not.  No early signs of pregnancy, no sign of Aunt Flo either… Today is CD #27… 3 more days to go and I’ll have my answer.

I don’t want to hate on the IF blogging community, fertility books, friends, etc… but it seems like everyone else who has achieved a pregnancy knew they were pregnant because of some early pregnancy signs. It doesn’t leave me with much hope, although my fortune cookie told me that “Opportunity awaits you on next Tuesday” so perhaps it will be a good outcome?!

And yes, I know, not all women experience the same symptoms – some have very few, and they can differ between pregnancies too, but it would be so much more reassuring if my boobs hurt or something. That’s all I’m asking for, a little or a lot of breast pain, nausea, frequent urination… anything but another period!

And on other thought- along the lines of the vague fortune cookie.  It’s very corny, but take what you can get I guess, I think I’m making it all up in my head any ways – I keep hearing/seeing “signs” of a possible good outcome. I sure don’t feel like it’s possible this month, and I try to keep a balance of hope and optimism to my pessimism and well… reality.  I feel like I’m teetering on a ledge and my emotions fly across the spectrum of happy to depressed, hope to despair, etc. in 0.5 seconds. Just want the wait to end – I hate the 2WW!

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I hate the 2WW!

Ugghhh…  This sucks so much!

Why couldn’t they just inject a fertilized egg into the uterine wall to create instant implantation yet?!  Not that we went the IVF route yet, we’re still on IUI- this is our third official IUI – I call it IUI 3.2 since our first 3rd attempt was canceled for too many follicles, and this time we used Femera to increase the number of follicles (but hopefully not over stimulating and having to cancel this cycle again) and Ovidrel to induce ovulation. We went down for a mid-cycle US on cycle day 12 and were told to do the injection on cycle day 14. We then went back to the clinic for the insemination on cycle day 16, which seemed late to me, but I guess they know what they are doing much more than I do. We had a hard time getting the catheter into my cervix- that’s a fun sentence to write!  DH almost passed out, and luckily it wasn’t from seeing my eyes water as the speculum was opened, closed, twisted, turned, pinched my leg, went up, went down- I have never been so molested by that metallic, duck-looking object before in all these years! With all that fun, the nurse got her in there, and boy did I have cramps then for a bit.  I hope this is all a good sign- it’s the 3rd time- 3rd times a charm, 3 is a magic number (a man and a woman, had a little baby… there were 3 in the family… that’s a magic number!- Thanks School House Rock!).  All of the other IUIs went just fine, but ended in more BFN- maybe this is a good omen, a poor start to a happy ending!  Let’s hope and pray!

I keep bouncing back and forth between cautious optimism and down right pessimism- that’s what 3 years of monthly failures will do to a gal!

I decided a couple of days ago that I have every right to be down, sad, pessimistic, negative, and refuse to exuding hope like a feel-good, nauseating Disney cartoon princess!  I’ve been doing this for three years, if I didn’t have hope, inner strength, fortitude, trust in God, etc. I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago- SO GET OFF OF MY BACK FERTILE MYRTILES!!!

I also had a ground breaking bit of positivity and allowed my self to believe fully in God, and the universe, and storks, and baby dust fairies that I WILL have a baby… but I still caution myself that it may not be this cycle. You can’t let your heart play out on the highway and not expect it to get flattened by a semi after history has taught you to expect it time after time after time!

So that’s my beef, by soap box, by rousing speech for you today- stand up for your right to have a pity part – every day if you need it- you’re a Strong Shirley- whether you are facing infertility, adoption, miscarriage, loss of a loved one, alcoholism, or loving an alcoholic then you know what it means to pick yourself up, dust off your britches and face it head on again, and again and again, and damn it you deserve a little pat on those britches for a job well done!

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Let’s Catch Up…

Hello- I’ve been absent for a while, no particular reason… just didn’t do my blog thing!

Well to let you in on what has happened since the first of April here’s a the run down:

  • I don’t really know what happened throughout April… it came, it went. No big news worth mentioning.
  • Towards the end of April while still trying to lose weight (I use the term try loosely, but I did have my biggest step forward in the last week of April) we attempted IUI #3. I was on 100mg of clomid, and felt just as I usually had, but when I had my mid-cycle ultrasound we found 5-6 mature follicles and my RE canceled our cycle. This left me a little completely pissed off- can’t figure out what’s our deal but I can sure produce the follicles!
  • The canceled IUI cycle came right after I caught my DH completely drunk. He “wasn’t very hungry” at dinner and barely ate a bit of pizza, when the man loves pizza, and he was oddly talkative and eager to help clean the house in preparation for Bunco the next evening. After dinner he went down stairs to shower and then I heard it- he was throwing up quite profusely. I took the poor guy a glass of water, and he couldn’t deny that he was completely blitzed. He confessed to downing 14 beers in the 15-20 minutes it took me to call him, go to the store, and drive home. We had many hugs and tears, and finished cleaning the house…
  • In the next coming days, between having the longest transvag US (ultrasound) and subsequent canceling of the IUI cycle, I gave DH an ultimatum – After three years it’s beyond time to get help or we will separate until you do! I slept in our spare bedroom the next two nights and went home over the weekend. There was never a struggle from DH, he just needed time to work through it all. He called and made an appointment for an evaluation.
  • The evaluation was yesterday, and I got to sit in on it. Last year, at the same location he went and they recommended about four weeks of individual meetings once a week… he did well for about 4-5 months, and was right back into it- and you all have seen the amount of damage he’s done since then! This time I am pleased to say that DH will be attending outpatient group therapy twice a week for 9 weeks, and then do once a week individual meetings after that for about 4 weeks!  Praise the Lord, I think this will get, and hopefully keep us on a good path for quite some time!  We will also be seeing a therapist for couples counseling and working on our communication.
  • May 9, 2011- would have been my due date for my first and only pregnancy that ended in a blighted ovum. After watching a program on three couples path through IF we were inspired to name our baby. Took a couple days to think of the perfect gender-neutral name for my perfect baby-angel, and then it hit me… Aaron! Aaron is named after his/her father’s middle name. And I know that the more common female version would be Erin, but I am just really fond of the double ‘a’, and fully believe that if our baby is a girl, she’d be perfectly capable of pulling off Aaron. So Aaron, my perfect baby-angel, was remembered quietly the day after Mother’s day- it was a very hard weekend, but I’m so much more at peace knowing he/she has a name (not to mention, that if the Rapture does occur this weekend, I’ll get to see my Aaron! And for the record, I believe that no one knows the day/time Jesus will return- only God)
  • In terms of our fertility path we came up with the following plan that I am pleased to announce:
    • We have one more IUI cycle covered by insurance, and we will cash-flow another through the summer months. In this cycle- IUI #3.2 (ha ha, get it, like software updates since we never really had a #3, and yet this isn’t #4- oh, so witty today!) I’ll be taking Femera, and doing the mid-cycle US with an ovulation trigger shot.
    • If not pregnant we see about doing a laparoscopy to see about endo/adhesions. I think this will conveniently occur during the weeks between our summer and fall semesters. Now this could go two ways- completely normal, or riddled with endo. If I do in fact have endo, then we’ll clean me out and try a couple more rounds of IUI. If not, then I guess our next step in this process would be IVF… but hello $$$$$, it would take us about a year to save up the money for IVF.
    • So we have decided to start our family through foster adoption in the event that IVF becomes our next move to having biologic copies of ourselves!

I am super psyched about this path! For the first time we have an actual road map… with an exit, or rather a new direction to our destination!

I do want to clarify that I don’t see any potential foster child/adoptee as consultation prizes, nor do I see them as an appetizer to hold me over until we can afford to have IVF or have any biological children. I see and know many children who have come from the foster care system and are thriving with their forever families- and I want to be that, and I have that capacity to fully love and accept a total stranger into my home and heart as my own!  To be honest, I am almost strangely more optimistic/excited for our foster adoption path than a successful IUI cycle?! Weird, but I think it just feels so much more  promising and finite. There will be an end to my yearning. When we take that step I can be so much more certain that a child will join our family. This won’t be without it’s bumps and share of heartache I’m sure, but neither is month, after month, after month of BFNs!

So that’s where we are at- IUI cycle #3.2, a name for our baby-angel, a plan for a family, and a plan for my man!

Life isn’t perfect, but it is looking brighter!  I feel good!

Thanks for stopping by, stay tuned for an exciting summer! And if you have insight to the foster-adoption system, I’d be very grateful for any help or information!

Much Love-

SeekingShirley

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IUI#2 = Fail

Hello all-

Sorry to start off IComLEavWe March 2011 with bad news, but we tested this morning and got two BFN. I’m 13 dpo and wanted to be able to plan my week better with my sister’s wedding this Friday. I used two hpt, Clear Blue Easy Digital, and an EPT, so they greeted my husband and I with a cold “Not Pregnant” and a single line.  And to think I shaved my legs last night for this! I was so hoping for some BFP sex this morning!

So today sucks, but at least I have the week to get happy and put our second cycle in the past.

Don’t you just hate how much we infertiles know about our cycles and every little feeling that could be confused with early signs of pregnancy. Those damn cramps had be fooled!

So I’m off to buy a replacement battery for my basal thermometer (let’s see how long this one lasts), some mint flavoring for the wedding mints (who wants to place bets on the ratio of completed mints for the wedding to the amount of cream cheese-minty-sugary goodness I eat instead), and some #814 pomegranate colored thread for a common thread bracelet for me and my closest infertility friends!

In regards to the Common Thread bracelets- check out the history of the Common Thread bracelet from THE Stirrup Queen and my inspiration to make my own and for my local gals – Mrs S. from Him + Me = Three? Maybe.

Happy IComLeavWe March 2011!

-SeekingShirley

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To test, or not to test… That is the question!

Hello all-

I’m on the fence on whether I should take a pregnancy test or wait until Wednesday… What’s a girl to do?

I haven’t felt any definite signs of pregnancy, but of course it’s still so early. I’ve had some light cramping today. The past few days I’ve had a few twinges… but that was most likely just gas! I also went to bed pretty early yesterday, but I think I’m trying to make myself feel fatigued.

I’m 11 dpo, and the original plan was to test on Wednesday. My only fear if I test early and it’s positive, that these cramps are an early sign of miscarriage- how unfair is that the early signs of pregnancy are also the early signs of miscarriage?

So let’s put it to a vote- let me know if you think I should go for the gold (golden shower on teh pee stick that is) or stick (ha ha, no pun intended) it out and wait until Wednesday.

Have a good one!

SeekingShirley

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Feeling Good Friday

 

Hi peoples!

Today is a beautiful day- sun is shining, my cappuccino is delicious, and I’m just generally feeling good.

On Wednesday during our second IUI we just had a good experience. The nurse was very nice and did all the right things a medical provider should do- she introduced herself, made small talk, made me feel at ease.

My DH was super supportive too- at our first IUI I was pretty much just scared- of failure, of success and then failure, of doing anything to hinder positive results {I was just plain SCARED}. On Wednesday, and during this last month really, he’s been much more attentive and has demonstrated what he knows about my cycle. It was so sweet when we were in the exam room waiting for the nurse he asked if I wanted him at my

side or in the chair. Just these simple things have made me feel so connected and reassured that he really does care- not that I didn’t know, but it’s hard to gather information from my silent and steadfast husband. You know how hard it is to interpret the opposite sex- we are just different beings.

Anywho- after the insemination I was lying there for my ten minutes and at this point last time I was in tears, but this time I was laughing! I’m really hoping the study done in Isreal about the fertility clown and the higher success rate for women who have a laugh immediately after implantation of their embryo(s) during IVF works for those of us going through IUI.

Look Who's Talking

Image via Wikipedia

I always wonder what exactly happens up in there- of course my only visual is the opening scene of “Look Who’s Talking”.

So while making small talk with DH I was demonstrating to him what I thought was going on- or was going to occur. It went something like this…

  • Squiggly sperm fingers making find themselves in what was described by my RE as a very pretty uterus (Thanks, Doc!)
  • Which way do they go? Squiggly sperm fingers look right, then left. Do they split up or do they all go one way? They take off in two groups swimming their way up and down my tubes- of course I have to demonstrate that my right fallopian tube is quite longer and more tortuous than my left with my squiggly sperm hands.
  • What’s this- an egg! So my left hand becomes a fist and the right handed squiggly sperm fingers attach the egg. One lucky sperm makes it as demonstrated to my DH by one sly squiggly sperm finger penetrating { might as well get some sort of penetration from this adventure- ha ha} the egg fist.
  • Then the fertilized egg starts to make it’s merry way down the fallopian trail, bopping along and growing from two cells, four cells, eight cells, and so on as my fist begins to relax.
  • In record speed, the tiny embryo fist begins to grow as the other hand comes into help demonstrate the developing fetus.. first a tiny ball, then an elongating little fetus who continues to grow and move- gives mom (ohh, that’s a nice sound) a kick or two and then…
  • Pop- it’s born with quite gusto as I thrust my arms through my bent knees and begin to cradle our little imaginary bundle of joy!

I giggled and laughed, got a smile and a look that said “you’re really strange, but I love you” from DH… and did it again because we still has 6 minutes or so to go (our baby grew really fast… wish the two week wait would go that fast! But then we wouldn’t call it the 2ww!)

So it was a good experience overall- much better than the first. A big (albeit, anonymous and unheard) thank you to our wonderful nurse! It’s people like that who can make this situation a little bit better with the right attitude and caring disposition!

Hope everything in your world is a little sunnier today!

Much love- SeekingShirley

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IUI Round 2

Hello all-

I received a positive smiley face from my digital LH test this morning 🙂

So tomorrow we go back and do our thing!

I’m feeling much more confident than last time- hopefully I will not experience the paralyzing fear again.  A big part of my renewed hope and confidence is from viewers like you… a HUGE thank you to the people who found their way to my blog last time from the wonderful world of Lost and Found and Connections Abound

It’s so amazing to find a specific group of people to connect with. My mom told me an interesting factoid this weekend. She had heard that people with a good support system were  more likely to conceive. So I’m here to support my fellow infertiles and I very much appreciate the support I receive!

Here we go- IUI Round 2…

Wish me luck!

SeekingShirley

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