Tag Archives: Codependency

A New Plan…

One thing I am very grateful for is my husbands resilience- I throw so many ideas his way and he just roles with the punches very well.  On Monday I was ready to put it all on the line and sign up for foster-parenting or foster-adoption. DH finally admitted to me openly that he does not think he could handle kids coming and going, and I realized that I’m not ready to provide the level or type of care required by many children in the foster care system. Although I really, really, really want to care/love/provide for/help/mother any living breathing thing near me, I need to do so for myself first.

For example: I’m a firm believer in the benefits of a healthy diet- with minimal artificial flavorings, colors, preservatives, etc. I believe that a good diet can do wonders for the body and mind (DH and my MIL are living testaments to this- they treated DH’s allergies and ADHD as a child with an additive/preservative-free diet). So I have it in my  mind that our children will be tortured with the same healthy diets that we as children were subjected to! However… I don’t do that now for myself, so what makes me think that I will do it when I have the added responsibilities and stresses of parenthood?

One of my passages from If at First You Don’t Conceive, by William Schoolcraft is the Inner Love Meditation – its all about the Eastern traditions of motherhood- it helped me to see that even without actual children in my care I skill possess and use all of the mothering characteristics. Caring hands, loving eyes, an open lap, and a heart that knows no end. Reading this passage helped me to see that I am already a mother- I would give my life quite quickly and without thought for my nephews, grandcousins, and grandfriends (children of my friends = grandfriends, like a grandmother and a grandchild. Same logic applies to the grandcousins), I’ve known a positive pregnancy test and that feeling of elation, and when I was pregnant and during my 2ww’s I avoid all things bad.

So why don’t I do this all the time?

I have all the eggs I will ever have- all the DNA I could possibly pass on is with me every second of every day and is subjected to whatever I put into or do to my body.

With that in mind, yesterday I hit up the DH with another idea… let’s hold off a cycle and work on ourselves first. We are only covered for three IUI cycles per year with our insurance, so we have one left and I want to make it count! I’m going to take this next month and establish good eating habits, a healthy diet, and a good exercise regimen. I’m also going to work on my mental health- how could I help teach a child how to deal with anger, disappointment, and responsibilities if I don’t handle them correctly myself. Hopefully with some weight loss and overall better health, the third time will be a charm!

I hope DH takes this time to seek help for himself and his alcoholism. I’m very scared that trying to have a child has not been enough to make him want to get better, a huge wreck was not enough, and I’m pretty sure that dealing with a pregnant me and subsequently a child later on will not be the magic kick in the ass he needs to get help. So I’m praying he will find the strength to fight his demons this month with me as we take the stress of ART out of the picture for a moment.

Here’s to health and happiness for us all!

-SeekingShirley

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Filed under Alcoholism, Infertility

Love my Husband by Detaching and Thinking of Nobody by Myself? Thoughts on Codependency

How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages.

The above link to an article by Willard F. Harley Jr.  may have just saved my day. I’m very confused by the codependent doctrine. I understand that my life needs balance,  I can’t spend day after day worrying and seeking resources for my husbands illness when I have my own work to do. That I recognize and I am trying to work on my ability to focus on important things (of course, writing this during my work day is pretty counter productive to that statement).

But I have never understood how separating myself from my husband would benefit him. He has an illness, you wouldn’t leave your husband and focus on just yourself if he had cancer! Such self-centered behavior does not convey love, understanding, and support in my opinion. So I battle with the message of codependency and my own feelings on how to proceed in an alcoholic marriage.

So today I feel beaten down, can’t concentrate, no motivation, overwhelmed, life is just a little too much to handle right now. I need my husband, my friend, to bare the burden, but he is not able to right now. The Harley article was very helpful in helping me to understand codependency in terms of an alcoholic relationship. The first section speaks right into my heart- avoiding codependent behaviors is incredibly selfish. But add alcohol addiction to the mix and it makes a bit more sense to me.  My love and caring is being sucked in by my husband’s alcoholism, and the alcoholism prevents him from returning it fully. I can bring all sorts of ideas and resources to him in hopes that he will get better, but the decision to get better is on himself, he must take the steps necessary to his recovery. I cannot help him. I can love and support him in his efforts, and that’s what I intended to do.

I hope you all can find a healthy balance in your life. It’s not all about ourselves, and it’s also not all about our loved ones.

Happy Balancing Act!

SeekingShirley

 

 

 

 

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Feeling totally Wrecked – just like our 4-Wheeler

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So here’s how my Saturday went: 5:30am wake up, 7:00am start a 16 hour shift at the hospital- busy day, didn’t get to sit/stop much until 10:00pm, 11:20pm make it home and I am greeted by my husband outside and he tells me this:

He wrecked our four-wheeler… about 20 minutes ago. He’s fine, his worst injury are two deep gashes in his arm, a sore knee, and a whole lot of road rashes, scrapes, and bumps.

So he wrecked the the four-wheeler and I’m wrecked with emotions. I asked if he had been drinking and said no, but what else would reduce the inhibitions and reaction time of a generally sane, safe- albeit risk-seeking man who on any other day of doing Lord knows what would be content to watch SportsCenter and reruns of Bones and Law and Order.

You should see the aftermath- I guess he went bombing down the field next to our house and he didn’t think he was coming up to the road that soon. Our roads are surrounded by bar ditches- he first went down the one side and then up the other side of the ditch which sent him flying – like he had jumped a ramp- over the road and he went nose end into the other side of the ditch, went through a a barbed wire fence (which is held up by big stone posts- what if he would have hit one of those!), and rolled end over end into a wheat field.

How he survived I don’t know- there are so many other outcomes that could have occurred. My chest, right in the middle of my sternum, ached last night as we were walking to the wreck and trying to load the four-wheeler onto a trailer. The ‘what-ifs’ are so horrible- I could have driven right by a dead or greatly injured husband and I wouldn’t have ever seen it.

I am Mad- Our stupidest purchase is now junk- we owe $4000 on the four-wheeler still. We were going to sell it to get out from under it on our quest to be debt free. Now- I wrecked the four-wheeler last May and so I’m not mad that he wrecked- when you ride long enough on a toy like a four-wheeler you will wreck. I am mad that he was going so damn fast – at night – without a helmet – by himself – and what I believe to be drunk. I am mad that I think he lied to me.

DH was always very open about alcoholism before he fell off the wagon. He introduced me to the AA definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can’t help be see the same things happening over and over again. Many times when I am gone all day I return home to a drinking husband. This time he seriously hurt himself.  I’m very blessed (I guess) that he is rather safe with his drinking- he says he doesn’t drive and I generally believe him- for these days/nights alone he stays here at the house- he’s a home body. So I’ve never really been scared for his life. Last night changed all that.

Today has been a dreary dreadful day- the sun hasn’t shown once, it started snowing again, and we are both sore and just plain sad.

I want to talk with him so much- express my concern and encourage him to seek help. A year ago he went to 6 one-on-one counseling sessions for his relapse. His counselor encouraged him to attend AA meetings to keep him focused- he does not want to go to meeting. I have encouraged him to find a counselor to see on a regular basis, and he won’t do that either. I have encouraged him to seek support groups on line (you know I love mine!), and he won’t take the initiative. I know you can’t make an alcoholic seek treatment- they will not change until they are ready, which is generally rock bottom. So how do I raise his bottom- I’m not willing to leave him, and he’s fully capable of supporting himself.  All my “knowledge” on this type of situation is from Intervention. This situation is so different from many of those sad situations.

I’m hoping to talk with DH tonight while all this is sorted through my mind, and it’s still a fresh subject- I hate bringing up stuff like this days later. It’s not going to be easy, but life and marriage aren’t ment to be easy all the time I believe. It helps us to appreciate the good times, and I can’t wait for the good times in our future.

If you have any advice or know of any sources of information- I’d really appreciate it. I’m going to go attend my Al-Anon meeting on Thursday and search through my materials in the meantime.

I hope your weekend as far better, and if it was equally as shitty- I’m here with you.

-SeekingShirley more than ever!

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