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Still Going!

Hello All- Still here, going strong… my right boob never did bounce back (damn it), but I think all is going well – 8 weeks so far!

Still scared, but opening up a bit. I actually took a big step and un-hid all my pregnant/doting mama friends from facebook… Boy were there a lot! Now it seems my news feed is sooooo much fuller!

Still not done with my bleep bleepidy bleep bleep paper – I so want to get this done and enjoy what little is left of summer!

Hope all is well for everyone else- have a good weekend, I have my 10th HS reunion this weekend, very excited!



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On a roll~

Yesterday’s Beta = 6806

To recap:

Beta #1 (6/20) – 278

Beta #2 (2/22) – 712

Beta #3 (6/29) – 6806

Right on track for normal – my little embryo is average!

That’s a relief! Now back to work on the paper. My goal is to have my paper completed on Monday. Let me repeat my written, concise, and public goal:

I am submitting my completed 1st draft to Dr Killion on Monday, July 4.

So I’m off to hop to!

Thanks, and a Happy 4th of July to you all!


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CD #29… Still waiting

Well, nothing happened in terms of AF yesterday. Still have two more days to go. I’m just waiting for the hammer to drop and AF to show her unwanted face.

I’m so cautiously holding out for disappointment that I watched some more videos on foster adoption yesterday. This actually helped quite a bit, helps me focus on a positive future regardless of what happens!

I so need to work on my grad school paper. Got to get it in by Monday! Wish me luck, and send me some focus energy this weekend!

Have a good one, maybe DH will have a great Father’s Day, maybe not!

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Work Day Blues

Hello reader,

Today is a sad day here at work. My office neighbor had her last day today, her contract was not renewed. So today we had a lunch and pulled together some money for a gift card. There are 8 (well 7 now) people who work in my office…. 4 came to the lunch.

I like to live in my own naive world where everyone is good natures, and does nice things, the right things, when they should. Today after I put my message in the card and took it to the other faculty members, she said she wasn’t going to be contributing to the gift. I was so shocked, I didn’t have time to process it and put my confused why you being such a bitch look on my face, so I just said, “Oh! Ok, perhaps you should check with the secretary about signing the card then.”

This afternoon I just feel sick… there were two faculty members who did not sign the card, participate in the lunch, put together some cash to go towards the gift card, or even say goodbye. I can see why our supervisor wouldn’t attend or sign a card, but come on- these other two ladies didn’t have anything to do with supervising my lost neighbor. We are a small department, and this act was just cold, callus, and unbecoming. They just turned their back and clearly drew the line in the sand between the department.

I still want to ‘like’ these ladies- one is even a fellow IFer who I just recently started talking to about our IF struggles… man, what a wake up call- well not really, but it just sucks when people don’t do what is right and you can’t look at them in the same light.

So that’s my sad Monday story. It sucks. I want a new job…

… and now I just got a text from my former neighbor- one lady wrote and email, and one caught her in the hall today. Doesn’t make it right, but at least I get to partially re-enter my dream land of rainbows and butterflies, Aangels and marshmallows where everyone is truly good on the inside.

6 more days until I get to test if I still wish… don’t know, don’t feel any different, wish it was next week already!

Hope your Monday is better than this…



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Just a quick post… I worked last night at the hospital, and while I was at work DH wrote a VERY thoughtful and well written note to his family and friends telling them of his relapse and plan for treatment!
This has been a great week, a plan for a family, a plan for DH, and NO MORE BIG RELAPSE/TREATMENT SECRET!

Also, just watching Cheers, and it happens to be all about Sam and Rebecca’s difficulty with infertility. How relevant- love, love, love this show! And love, love, love my man!

Have a great weekend!


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Feeling totally Wrecked – just like our 4-Wheeler


So here’s how my Saturday went: 5:30am wake up, 7:00am start a 16 hour shift at the hospital- busy day, didn’t get to sit/stop much until 10:00pm, 11:20pm make it home and I am greeted by my husband outside and he tells me this:

He wrecked our four-wheeler… about 20 minutes ago. He’s fine, his worst injury are two deep gashes in his arm, a sore knee, and a whole lot of road rashes, scrapes, and bumps.

So he wrecked the the four-wheeler and I’m wrecked with emotions. I asked if he had been drinking and said no, but what else would reduce the inhibitions and reaction time of a generally sane, safe- albeit risk-seeking man who on any other day of doing Lord knows what would be content to watch SportsCenter and reruns of Bones and Law and Order.

You should see the aftermath- I guess he went bombing down the field next to our house and he didn’t think he was coming up to the road that soon. Our roads are surrounded by bar ditches- he first went down the one side and then up the other side of the ditch which sent him flying – like he had jumped a ramp- over the road and he went nose end into the other side of the ditch, went through a a barbed wire fence (which is held up by big stone posts- what if he would have hit one of those!), and rolled end over end into a wheat field.

How he survived I don’t know- there are so many other outcomes that could have occurred. My chest, right in the middle of my sternum, ached last night as we were walking to the wreck and trying to load the four-wheeler onto a trailer. The ‘what-ifs’ are so horrible- I could have driven right by a dead or greatly injured husband and I wouldn’t have ever seen it.

I am Mad- Our stupidest purchase is now junk- we owe $4000 on the four-wheeler still. We were going to sell it to get out from under it on our quest to be debt free. Now- I wrecked the four-wheeler last May and so I’m not mad that he wrecked- when you ride long enough on a toy like a four-wheeler you will wreck. I am mad that he was going so damn fast – at night – without a helmet – by himself – and what I believe to be drunk. I am mad that I think he lied to me.

DH was always very open about alcoholism before he fell off the wagon. He introduced me to the AA definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can’t help be see the same things happening over and over again. Many times when I am gone all day I return home to a drinking husband. This time he seriously hurt himself.  I’m very blessed (I guess) that he is rather safe with his drinking- he says he doesn’t drive and I generally believe him- for these days/nights alone he stays here at the house- he’s a home body. So I’ve never really been scared for his life. Last night changed all that.

Today has been a dreary dreadful day- the sun hasn’t shown once, it started snowing again, and we are both sore and just plain sad.

I want to talk with him so much- express my concern and encourage him to seek help. A year ago he went to 6 one-on-one counseling sessions for his relapse. His counselor encouraged him to attend AA meetings to keep him focused- he does not want to go to meeting. I have encouraged him to find a counselor to see on a regular basis, and he won’t do that either. I have encouraged him to seek support groups on line (you know I love mine!), and he won’t take the initiative. I know you can’t make an alcoholic seek treatment- they will not change until they are ready, which is generally rock bottom. So how do I raise his bottom- I’m not willing to leave him, and he’s fully capable of supporting himself.  All my “knowledge” on this type of situation is from Intervention. This situation is so different from many of those sad situations.

I’m hoping to talk with DH tonight while all this is sorted through my mind, and it’s still a fresh subject- I hate bringing up stuff like this days later. It’s not going to be easy, but life and marriage aren’t ment to be easy all the time I believe. It helps us to appreciate the good times, and I can’t wait for the good times in our future.

If you have any advice or know of any sources of information- I’d really appreciate it. I’m going to go attend my Al-Anon meeting on Thursday and search through my materials in the meantime.

I hope your weekend as far better, and if it was equally as shitty- I’m here with you.

-SeekingShirley more than ever!


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Feeling Good Friday


Hi peoples!

Today is a beautiful day- sun is shining, my cappuccino is delicious, and I’m just generally feeling good.

On Wednesday during our second IUI we just had a good experience. The nurse was very nice and did all the right things a medical provider should do- she introduced herself, made small talk, made me feel at ease.

My DH was super supportive too- at our first IUI I was pretty much just scared- of failure, of success and then failure, of doing anything to hinder positive results {I was just plain SCARED}. On Wednesday, and during this last month really, he’s been much more attentive and has demonstrated what he knows about my cycle. It was so sweet when we were in the exam room waiting for the nurse he asked if I wanted him at my

side or in the chair. Just these simple things have made me feel so connected and reassured that he really does care- not that I didn’t know, but it’s hard to gather information from my silent and steadfast husband. You know how hard it is to interpret the opposite sex- we are just different beings.

Anywho- after the insemination I was lying there for my ten minutes and at this point last time I was in tears, but this time I was laughing! I’m really hoping the study done in Isreal about the fertility clown and the higher success rate for women who have a laugh immediately after implantation of their embryo(s) during IVF works for those of us going through IUI.

Look Who's Talking

Image via Wikipedia

I always wonder what exactly happens up in there- of course my only visual is the opening scene of “Look Who’s Talking”.

So while making small talk with DH I was demonstrating to him what I thought was going on- or was going to occur. It went something like this…

  • Squiggly sperm fingers making find themselves in what was described by my RE as a very pretty uterus (Thanks, Doc!)
  • Which way do they go? Squiggly sperm fingers look right, then left. Do they split up or do they all go one way? They take off in two groups swimming their way up and down my tubes- of course I have to demonstrate that my right fallopian tube is quite longer and more tortuous than my left with my squiggly sperm hands.
  • What’s this- an egg! So my left hand becomes a fist and the right handed squiggly sperm fingers attach the egg. One lucky sperm makes it as demonstrated to my DH by one sly squiggly sperm finger penetrating { might as well get some sort of penetration from this adventure- ha ha} the egg fist.
  • Then the fertilized egg starts to make it’s merry way down the fallopian trail, bopping along and growing from two cells, four cells, eight cells, and so on as my fist begins to relax.
  • In record speed, the tiny embryo fist begins to grow as the other hand comes into help demonstrate the developing fetus.. first a tiny ball, then an elongating little fetus who continues to grow and move- gives mom (ohh, that’s a nice sound) a kick or two and then…
  • Pop- it’s born with quite gusto as I thrust my arms through my bent knees and begin to cradle our little imaginary bundle of joy!

I giggled and laughed, got a smile and a look that said “you’re really strange, but I love you” from DH… and did it again because we still has 6 minutes or so to go (our baby grew really fast… wish the two week wait would go that fast! But then we wouldn’t call it the 2ww!)

So it was a good experience overall- much better than the first. A big (albeit, anonymous and unheard) thank you to our wonderful nurse! It’s people like that who can make this situation a little bit better with the right attitude and caring disposition!

Hope everything in your world is a little sunnier today!

Much love- SeekingShirley

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