So here’s how my Saturday went: 5:30am wake up, 7:00am start a 16 hour shift at the hospital- busy day, didn’t get to sit/stop much until 10:00pm, 11:20pm make it home and I am greeted by my husband outside and he tells me this:
He wrecked our four-wheeler… about 20 minutes ago. He’s fine, his worst injury are two deep gashes in his arm, a sore knee, and a whole lot of road rashes, scrapes, and bumps.
So he wrecked the the four-wheeler and I’m wrecked with emotions. I asked if he had been drinking and said no, but what else would reduce the inhibitions and reaction time of a generally sane, safe- albeit risk-seeking man who on any other day of doing Lord knows what would be content to watch SportsCenter and reruns of Bones and Law and Order.
You should see the aftermath- I guess he went bombing down the field next to our house and he didn’t think he was coming up to the road that soon. Our roads are surrounded by bar ditches- he first went down the one side and then up the other side of the ditch which sent him flying – like he had jumped a ramp- over the road and he went nose end into the other side of the ditch, went through a a barbed wire fence (which is held up by big stone posts- what if he would have hit one of those!), and rolled end over end into a wheat field.
How he survived I don’t know- there are so many other outcomes that could have occurred. My chest, right in the middle of my sternum, ached last night as we were walking to the wreck and trying to load the four-wheeler onto a trailer. The ‘what-ifs’ are so horrible- I could have driven right by a dead or greatly injured husband and I wouldn’t have ever seen it.
I am Mad- Our stupidest purchase is now junk- we owe $4000 on the four-wheeler still. We were going to sell it to get out from under it on our quest to be debt free. Now- I wrecked the four-wheeler last May and so I’m not mad that he wrecked- when you ride long enough on a toy like a four-wheeler you will wreck. I am mad that he was going so damn fast – at night – without a helmet – by himself – and what I believe to be drunk. I am mad that I think he lied to me.
DH was always very open about alcoholism before he fell off the wagon. He introduced me to the AA definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can’t help be see the same things happening over and over again. Many times when I am gone all day I return home to a drinking husband. This time he seriously hurt himself. I’m very blessed (I guess) that he is rather safe with his drinking- he says he doesn’t drive and I generally believe him- for these days/nights alone he stays here at the house- he’s a home body. So I’ve never really been scared for his life. Last night changed all that.
Today has been a dreary dreadful day- the sun hasn’t shown once, it started snowing again, and we are both sore and just plain sad.
I want to talk with him so much- express my concern and encourage him to seek help. A year ago he went to 6 one-on-one counseling sessions for his relapse. His counselor encouraged him to attend AA meetings to keep him focused- he does not want to go to meeting. I have encouraged him to find a counselor to see on a regular basis, and he won’t do that either. I have encouraged him to seek support groups on line (you know I love mine!), and he won’t take the initiative. I know you can’t make an alcoholic seek treatment- they will not change until they are ready, which is generally rock bottom. So how do I raise his bottom- I’m not willing to leave him, and he’s fully capable of supporting himself. All my “knowledge” on this type of situation is from Intervention. This situation is so different from many of those sad situations.
I’m hoping to talk with DH tonight while all this is sorted through my mind, and it’s still a fresh subject- I hate bringing up stuff like this days later. It’s not going to be easy, but life and marriage aren’t ment to be easy all the time I believe. It helps us to appreciate the good times, and I can’t wait for the good times in our future.
If you have any advice or know of any sources of information- I’d really appreciate it. I’m going to go attend my Al-Anon meeting on Thursday and search through my materials in the meantime.
I hope your weekend as far better, and if it was equally as shitty- I’m here with you.
-SeekingShirley more than ever!