Tag Archives: Grad School

Deep Breath


This week has not been all sunshine and rainbows for me. I’m struggling to get anything done on my final paper for grad school- I’m so mad at myself, and I know (my sister keeps telling me, DH keeps reminding me) that I just need to take a deep breath, relax, clear my head and move forward.  I have some axiety issues with this paper- I keep dwelling on my failures and I let it and every other bad thought fill my brain and overwhelm myself into despair and I start the cycle all over again… getting mad at myself for not getting anything done.

So in true me fashion I made a paper chain – enough for one ring per topic I need to cover in the rest of the paper, and each ring has a positive saying on it to keep me going.    🙂    Hopefully it works.  I’m feeling a bit better today, however I only got one topic completed (so far).

I’ve caught a cold that started on Sunday with a runny nose, that moved to my entire head on Monday, and now is in my chest today. I need my rest- I just stayed up too late this weekend and it did me in. I’m not looking forward to working this weekend at the hospital – on Friday I’m there from 3pm to 11pm, and on Saturday night/Sunday morning from midnight to 8am. Ughhh…. I’m putting in my two weeks notice once I get confirmation that my beta count has progressed normally.

Which brings my to my main concern (second concern behind the paper perhaps… nah, it’s my main concern)- I just keep waiting to start spotting/bleeding like last time. Each and every time I use the restroom (which is quite often, I’m drinking so much water at work!) my heart skips a beat with every successful outcome of no spotting!  I still keep waiting for it though, like it’s just around the corner- I read far much into every twinge and every absence of a twinge as a bad sign. I wish I could be more positive…

DH and I were talking this evening when he got back from group therapy (all is going sooooo well there, can’t thank God enough there!), and I figured up how many days of happy pregnancy I had last time with Aaron – 11 days until I started spotting from the time I had my first positive pregnancy test. Today its has been … well crap, it’s only been 9.

Well, I was going to write how much relief I felt thinking that I had surpassed my last pregnancy by two days without spotting, but I guess I was wrong… it’s only been nine days, but at least this time my boobs hurt!

So tomorrow I go and get another beta, just one to see how it’s all progressing- I’m hoping for anything over 3,500. A week ago my number was 712, and once the hCG count gets in the higher numbers it can take up to 96 hours to double so that’s what I’m going for. I figure shoot for low so I can be realistic, or happier when it’s higher I guess?  Here’s my math:

6/22 – 712

48 hours later – 6/24 ~1400 (once in the higher numbers taking up to 96 hours to double)

96 hours later – 6/28 ~ 2800

24 hours later – 6/29 ~ ?????? Hopefully above 3500

I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks for stopping by!


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Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy


First of all a big THANKS Lauri and Kelly – your support, thoughts, and prayers are awesome!

I got the results of my second beta back- drum roll please………………. 712!

So we went from 278 on Monday to 712 on Wednesday – more than doubled in 48 hours- Praise the Lord!

I had them order a progesterone test as well, just to ease my worried mind that I might have a possible luteal phase defect, and it was a good 35.3.

Feeling much better- closer to God in fact, I’ve been praying a lot and using specific prayers I’ve pulled off of the demi-god Google that have really helped me relax. Feel so much better having a set, poetic, focused prayer rather than just my cries for help, why me’s, and ramblings.

DH was super sweet this morning- it’s a shame one has to be newly pregnant to get him in a much better mood in the morning. He has horrible allergies and is always (and I mean always, as in each and every day) heavily congested in the a.m. As you can see in the image below- this is why, his ethmoid sinuses are nearly completely congested!

DH's cornal sinus image Trouble Breathing?  Such a handsome lad!

So now I’m off to write a paper- my goal is to have my my 1st draft to my teacher on Monday… now that I have this under my belt I feel so much better, and hopefully I can concentrate, focus, and put out some great work!

Thanks for visiting- our next step is to have another beta next Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound on 7/6! Can’t wait to see that little heart beat… well at least I think by then it should be there by then… and I hope it is there! Not out of the woods yet, but at least these woods seem quite friendlier than the scary, unforgiving woods of a miscarriage.

Love to all!


Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Pregnancy

Random Thoughts by Me!

  • I am not scared that my biological clock is ticking and about to expire… I’m more scared that the world will end in 2012 and I won’t have a child by then. Funny thing is I don’t believe anyone knows when the world will end, I just hope it’s not 2012!
  • Perhaps God is holding out on us because I haven’t completed my research paper for my Master’s degree.
  • Maybe He is waiting for DH to seek help for his alcoholism.
  • That makes me wonder if my miscarriage last fall was a little wake up call from the Big G to get our shit in gear… all three statements are ludicrous, but hmmm- ttc for nearly three years, working on degree for three years, and DH has been off the wagon for- you got  it, three years!
  • We’re going to have a conversation about foster parenting to adopt this afternoon- I think I’m at my ropes end, my house, arms, and life are just too empty. I have a lot of love to give to a child(children) in need, and I think I can take the devastation if/when they are returned to their family. At least I would have had a time, a special time, and a connection with someone in need of love and care.
  • I’m making a bracelet for the IF communities “Common Thread”, and my biggest question is what type of braid/knot I want to make. Even more, what kind of braid or knot I want to use for my friends/family going through IF. It’s harder now then it was when I was 12!


Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage

“We are excited about (your) period”

Yeah- Here it is… We’ve started a new cycle- it’s like a new ray of hope that we get to try again!

I’ve called the fertility clinic to confirm I can have my lab tests done and I’m expecting a call to schedule my HSG (x-ray procedure to check for open fallopian tubes).

So now we wait for a bit and let the fun begin (again). As DH texted back to me after I told him my ‘good news’, “We are excited about period”- only a man with a mission like ours would be excited for his wife’s monthly visitor! Ha ha!

So back to working and writing my paper- 20 pages down ??? to go. I hope to finish my research paper this weekend!

If you do have time- a couple who’s blog I follow had a successful IVF transfer, but is facing the possibility of a miscarriage- so keep them in your prayers if you could!

-Seeking Shirley

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Oh to be done…

Hello Shirlies-

It’s been quite a while since my last post. It’s been almost a month since I had my D&C. Things are going pretty well, still have (and I believe I always will in some way) bad moments when the reminder of my miscarriage is a little too much.

For instance- I went to Wal-Mart today and thought about how it was only about the second time since I had my miscarriage that I had been in Wal-Mart. Funny how a store with nearly everything one would need on a daily basis is a big reminder of the few days that I was happily pregnant- walking down the isles looking forward to the days when I would truly belong in the baby section.

But back to my absence- I have some good news… I’ve been working on my grad school research paper!  It’s much like a thesis, this is my exit file paper, the big one, the one that will set me free… the one I’ve been putting off for 18 months now!

I’ve read over sixty articles to get here and now I’m desperately (and yet not so desperately) writing so I can turn it in and be done with it!

It all started about 12 days ago when I had had enough! I took a “sick” day and came up with a plan to finish this chapter in my life. I even went so far as to make a paper chain with messages to myself to keep me motivated and going. And I was doing good I tell you- these past two weeks have been pretty good in terms of productivity and positive self-feelings. Yet, after doing some double checking I realized that the final paper has to be in a whole week before I was planning on. This means that not only am I too late by regular standards, but I am pretty much 99% sure that even if I do produce a really good paper to my adviser I will still not graduate this semester.

Needless to say, my drive came to a screeching halt this weekend, and so I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I will not stop again and wait until next semester, I WILL GET THIS PAPER DONE… just maybe not in time to graduate this fall, and I’m ok with that.

So with that, I am off again to write some more. It is soooo much easier to write here than on that paper- if only it were so easy!

My new motto today: “Don’t let anything distract you from winning” – Sue Sylvester, Glee.

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Miscarriage, Productivity