Tag Archives: Infertility

Yup, its 2:15am

I am so concerned, worried, excited about tomorrow I cannot sleep.

I must confess that I’ve been feeling some breast pain, upset stomach, and have been pretty tired.  I also jump at any pain, cramp, twinge in the general area of the uterus.

But I’ve also been so worried that it could be causing the upset stomach, I worked over night last night and generally get pretty tired around my period, and I have also had a twinge of breast pain before and not been pregnant- perhaps its the Femera? and the cramps could only mean one thing…. A red carpet roll out for Aunt Flow (there are sooooooo many things wrong with that last statement, but give a girl a break… I’ve had about 5 hours of sleep in the last 36 almost 48 hours)

I keep telling myself that my period will come tomorrow.

Perhaps it will, and I’m reading far too much into all these peculiar symptoms. Like a hysterical pregnancy…

Or perhaps it will be positive tomorrow…

We shall see, for now I hope to sleep, thanks for being here with me during this time. Love to all!

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CD #29… Still waiting

Well, nothing happened in terms of AF yesterday. Still have two more days to go. I’m just waiting for the hammer to drop and AF to show her unwanted face.

I’m so cautiously holding out for disappointment that I watched some more videos on foster adoption yesterday. This actually helped quite a bit, helps me focus on a positive future regardless of what happens!

I so need to work on my grad school paper. Got to get it in by Monday! Wish me luck, and send me some focus energy this weekend!

Have a good one, maybe DH will have a great Father’s Day, maybe not!

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Having Patience is Testing my Patience!

I have no idea if IUI #3.2 was a success or not.  No early signs of pregnancy, no sign of Aunt Flo either… Today is CD #27… 3 more days to go and I’ll have my answer.

I don’t want to hate on the IF blogging community, fertility books, friends, etc… but it seems like everyone else who has achieved a pregnancy knew they were pregnant because of some early pregnancy signs. It doesn’t leave me with much hope, although my fortune cookie told me that “Opportunity awaits you on next Tuesday” so perhaps it will be a good outcome?!

And yes, I know, not all women experience the same symptoms – some have very few, and they can differ between pregnancies too, but it would be so much more reassuring if my boobs hurt or something. That’s all I’m asking for, a little or a lot of breast pain, nausea, frequent urination… anything but another period!

And on other thought- along the lines of the vague fortune cookie.  It’s very corny, but take what you can get I guess, I think I’m making it all up in my head any ways – I keep hearing/seeing “signs” of a possible good outcome. I sure don’t feel like it’s possible this month, and I try to keep a balance of hope and optimism to my pessimism and well… reality.  I feel like I’m teetering on a ledge and my emotions fly across the spectrum of happy to depressed, hope to despair, etc. in 0.5 seconds. Just want the wait to end – I hate the 2WW!

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Work Day Blues

Hello reader,

Today is a sad day here at work. My office neighbor had her last day today, her contract was not renewed. So today we had a lunch and pulled together some money for a gift card. There are 8 (well 7 now) people who work in my office…. 4 came to the lunch.

I like to live in my own naive world where everyone is good natures, and does nice things, the right things, when they should. Today after I put my message in the card and took it to the other faculty members, she said she wasn’t going to be contributing to the gift. I was so shocked, I didn’t have time to process it and put my confused why you being such a bitch look on my face, so I just said, “Oh! Ok, perhaps you should check with the secretary about signing the card then.”

This afternoon I just feel sick… there were two faculty members who did not sign the card, participate in the lunch, put together some cash to go towards the gift card, or even say goodbye. I can see why our supervisor wouldn’t attend or sign a card, but come on- these other two ladies didn’t have anything to do with supervising my lost neighbor. We are a small department, and this act was just cold, callus, and unbecoming. They just turned their back and clearly drew the line in the sand between the department.

I still want to ‘like’ these ladies- one is even a fellow IFer who I just recently started talking to about our IF struggles… man, what a wake up call- well not really, but it just sucks when people don’t do what is right and you can’t look at them in the same light.

So that’s my sad Monday story. It sucks. I want a new job…

… and now I just got a text from my former neighbor- one lady wrote and email, and one caught her in the hall today. Doesn’t make it right, but at least I get to partially re-enter my dream land of rainbows and butterflies, Aangels and marshmallows where everyone is truly good on the inside.

6 more days until I get to test if I still wish… don’t know, don’t feel any different, wish it was next week already!

Hope your Monday is better than this…

-SeekingShirley

 

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I hate the 2WW!

Ugghhh…  This sucks so much!

Why couldn’t they just inject a fertilized egg into the uterine wall to create instant implantation yet?!  Not that we went the IVF route yet, we’re still on IUI- this is our third official IUI – I call it IUI 3.2 since our first 3rd attempt was canceled for too many follicles, and this time we used Femera to increase the number of follicles (but hopefully not over stimulating and having to cancel this cycle again) and Ovidrel to induce ovulation. We went down for a mid-cycle US on cycle day 12 and were told to do the injection on cycle day 14. We then went back to the clinic for the insemination on cycle day 16, which seemed late to me, but I guess they know what they are doing much more than I do. We had a hard time getting the catheter into my cervix- that’s a fun sentence to write!  DH almost passed out, and luckily it wasn’t from seeing my eyes water as the speculum was opened, closed, twisted, turned, pinched my leg, went up, went down- I have never been so molested by that metallic, duck-looking object before in all these years! With all that fun, the nurse got her in there, and boy did I have cramps then for a bit.  I hope this is all a good sign- it’s the 3rd time- 3rd times a charm, 3 is a magic number (a man and a woman, had a little baby… there were 3 in the family… that’s a magic number!- Thanks School House Rock!).  All of the other IUIs went just fine, but ended in more BFN- maybe this is a good omen, a poor start to a happy ending!  Let’s hope and pray!

I keep bouncing back and forth between cautious optimism and down right pessimism- that’s what 3 years of monthly failures will do to a gal!

I decided a couple of days ago that I have every right to be down, sad, pessimistic, negative, and refuse to exuding hope like a feel-good, nauseating Disney cartoon princess!  I’ve been doing this for three years, if I didn’t have hope, inner strength, fortitude, trust in God, etc. I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago- SO GET OFF OF MY BACK FERTILE MYRTILES!!!

I also had a ground breaking bit of positivity and allowed my self to believe fully in God, and the universe, and storks, and baby dust fairies that I WILL have a baby… but I still caution myself that it may not be this cycle. You can’t let your heart play out on the highway and not expect it to get flattened by a semi after history has taught you to expect it time after time after time!

So that’s my beef, by soap box, by rousing speech for you today- stand up for your right to have a pity part – every day if you need it- you’re a Strong Shirley- whether you are facing infertility, adoption, miscarriage, loss of a loved one, alcoholism, or loving an alcoholic then you know what it means to pick yourself up, dust off your britches and face it head on again, and again and again, and damn it you deserve a little pat on those britches for a job well done!

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Let’s Catch Up…

Hello- I’ve been absent for a while, no particular reason… just didn’t do my blog thing!

Well to let you in on what has happened since the first of April here’s a the run down:

  • I don’t really know what happened throughout April… it came, it went. No big news worth mentioning.
  • Towards the end of April while still trying to lose weight (I use the term try loosely, but I did have my biggest step forward in the last week of April) we attempted IUI #3. I was on 100mg of clomid, and felt just as I usually had, but when I had my mid-cycle ultrasound we found 5-6 mature follicles and my RE canceled our cycle. This left me a little completely pissed off- can’t figure out what’s our deal but I can sure produce the follicles!
  • The canceled IUI cycle came right after I caught my DH completely drunk. He “wasn’t very hungry” at dinner and barely ate a bit of pizza, when the man loves pizza, and he was oddly talkative and eager to help clean the house in preparation for Bunco the next evening. After dinner he went down stairs to shower and then I heard it- he was throwing up quite profusely. I took the poor guy a glass of water, and he couldn’t deny that he was completely blitzed. He confessed to downing 14 beers in the 15-20 minutes it took me to call him, go to the store, and drive home. We had many hugs and tears, and finished cleaning the house…
  • In the next coming days, between having the longest transvag US (ultrasound) and subsequent canceling of the IUI cycle, I gave DH an ultimatum – After three years it’s beyond time to get help or we will separate until you do! I slept in our spare bedroom the next two nights and went home over the weekend. There was never a struggle from DH, he just needed time to work through it all. He called and made an appointment for an evaluation.
  • The evaluation was yesterday, and I got to sit in on it. Last year, at the same location he went and they recommended about four weeks of individual meetings once a week… he did well for about 4-5 months, and was right back into it- and you all have seen the amount of damage he’s done since then! This time I am pleased to say that DH will be attending outpatient group therapy twice a week for 9 weeks, and then do once a week individual meetings after that for about 4 weeks!  Praise the Lord, I think this will get, and hopefully keep us on a good path for quite some time!  We will also be seeing a therapist for couples counseling and working on our communication.
  • May 9, 2011- would have been my due date for my first and only pregnancy that ended in a blighted ovum. After watching a program on three couples path through IF we were inspired to name our baby. Took a couple days to think of the perfect gender-neutral name for my perfect baby-angel, and then it hit me… Aaron! Aaron is named after his/her father’s middle name. And I know that the more common female version would be Erin, but I am just really fond of the double ‘a’, and fully believe that if our baby is a girl, she’d be perfectly capable of pulling off Aaron. So Aaron, my perfect baby-angel, was remembered quietly the day after Mother’s day- it was a very hard weekend, but I’m so much more at peace knowing he/she has a name (not to mention, that if the Rapture does occur this weekend, I’ll get to see my Aaron! And for the record, I believe that no one knows the day/time Jesus will return- only God)
  • In terms of our fertility path we came up with the following plan that I am pleased to announce:
    • We have one more IUI cycle covered by insurance, and we will cash-flow another through the summer months. In this cycle- IUI #3.2 (ha ha, get it, like software updates since we never really had a #3, and yet this isn’t #4- oh, so witty today!) I’ll be taking Femera, and doing the mid-cycle US with an ovulation trigger shot.
    • If not pregnant we see about doing a laparoscopy to see about endo/adhesions. I think this will conveniently occur during the weeks between our summer and fall semesters. Now this could go two ways- completely normal, or riddled with endo. If I do in fact have endo, then we’ll clean me out and try a couple more rounds of IUI. If not, then I guess our next step in this process would be IVF… but hello $$$$$, it would take us about a year to save up the money for IVF.
    • So we have decided to start our family through foster adoption in the event that IVF becomes our next move to having biologic copies of ourselves!

I am super psyched about this path! For the first time we have an actual road map… with an exit, or rather a new direction to our destination!

I do want to clarify that I don’t see any potential foster child/adoptee as consultation prizes, nor do I see them as an appetizer to hold me over until we can afford to have IVF or have any biological children. I see and know many children who have come from the foster care system and are thriving with their forever families- and I want to be that, and I have that capacity to fully love and accept a total stranger into my home and heart as my own!  To be honest, I am almost strangely more optimistic/excited for our foster adoption path than a successful IUI cycle?! Weird, but I think it just feels so much more  promising and finite. There will be an end to my yearning. When we take that step I can be so much more certain that a child will join our family. This won’t be without it’s bumps and share of heartache I’m sure, but neither is month, after month, after month of BFNs!

So that’s where we are at- IUI cycle #3.2, a name for our baby-angel, a plan for a family, and a plan for my man!

Life isn’t perfect, but it is looking brighter!  I feel good!

Thanks for stopping by, stay tuned for an exciting summer! And if you have insight to the foster-adoption system, I’d be very grateful for any help or information!

Much Love-

SeekingShirley

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Their ignorance is not my bliss!

Five whole days later, another good friend is pregnant- It’s raining hCG!!!!!

I love both of my friends dearly, but this is how they told me, see if you can spot the incredibly annoying, ignorant statements:

  • Prego #1, “Any good news?”
  • Me, “No, we taking this next month off to lose some weight and hopefully better our chances”
  • Prego #1, “Have you guys thought about adoption?”
  • Me, “Well last Monday I was ready to throw it all in and sign up for foster care. The house is just so empty, I just want to care for and love someone asap!”
  • Prego#1, “Well, you can have mine…”
  • Me, …. blank stare… (internal comentary, “Are you fucking kidding me”)… blank stare…
  • Prego #1, “Yeah, I’m pregnant. This is what booze will do to ya! I so wish you had good news, you are the last person, and I mean the last person that I’ve told…”

No on to today’s {heart} breaking news:

  • Prego #2: “I’m Pregnant!”  …. via text…. our last text conversation – December 2010.

Both are beautiful, loving, fun, awesome ladies- I love them both dearly, and I would have done the same stupid stuff three years ago as well. Hell, I did just yesterday! It was my friend’s birthday yesterday, and after wishing her a happy b-day we discussed our new plan, and she gave me a compliment about my weight saying there’s no excess weight to be found, and what do I do???  Say, “Oh yeah, I’m a good 20-30#s heavier than my drinking/bad eating habit days.”- how insensitive of me, since my friend has put on a bit more than my 20-30 after giving birth to three beautiful children.

Are we all  just dumb?!  I think we all have our moments. So I’m letting it all slide. We all make mistakes and have moments of stupid comments. It would just be nice if everyone was as aware of how hurtful comments be.

Happy Weekend Everyone…

SeekingShirley – now taking applications for a non-pregnant close friend!

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