Tag Archives: Adoption

Let’s Catch Up…

Hello- I’ve been absent for a while, no particular reason… just didn’t do my blog thing!

Well to let you in on what has happened since the first of April here’s a the run down:

  • I don’t really know what happened throughout April… it came, it went. No big news worth mentioning.
  • Towards the end of April while still trying to lose weight (I use the term try loosely, but I did have my biggest step forward in the last week of April) we attempted IUI #3. I was on 100mg of clomid, and felt just as I usually had, but when I had my mid-cycle ultrasound we found 5-6 mature follicles and my RE canceled our cycle. This left me a little completely pissed off- can’t figure out what’s our deal but I can sure produce the follicles!
  • The canceled IUI cycle came right after I caught my DH completely drunk. He “wasn’t very hungry” at dinner and barely ate a bit of pizza, when the man loves pizza, and he was oddly talkative and eager to help clean the house in preparation for Bunco the next evening. After dinner he went down stairs to shower and then I heard it- he was throwing up quite profusely. I took the poor guy a glass of water, and he couldn’t deny that he was completely blitzed. He confessed to downing 14 beers in the 15-20 minutes it took me to call him, go to the store, and drive home. We had many hugs and tears, and finished cleaning the house…
  • In the next coming days, between having the longest transvag US (ultrasound) and subsequent canceling of the IUI cycle, I gave DH an ultimatum – After three years it’s beyond time to get help or we will separate until you do! I slept in our spare bedroom the next two nights and went home over the weekend. There was never a struggle from DH, he just needed time to work through it all. He called and made an appointment for an evaluation.
  • The evaluation was yesterday, and I got to sit in on it. Last year, at the same location he went and they recommended about four weeks of individual meetings once a week… he did well for about 4-5 months, and was right back into it- and you all have seen the amount of damage he’s done since then! This time I am pleased to say that DH will be attending outpatient group therapy twice a week for 9 weeks, and then do once a week individual meetings after that for about 4 weeks!  Praise the Lord, I think this will get, and hopefully keep us on a good path for quite some time!  We will also be seeing a therapist for couples counseling and working on our communication.
  • May 9, 2011- would have been my due date for my first and only pregnancy that ended in a blighted ovum. After watching a program on three couples path through IF we were inspired to name our baby. Took a couple days to think of the perfect gender-neutral name for my perfect baby-angel, and then it hit me… Aaron! Aaron is named after his/her father’s middle name. And I know that the more common female version would be Erin, but I am just really fond of the double ‘a’, and fully believe that if our baby is a girl, she’d be perfectly capable of pulling off Aaron. So Aaron, my perfect baby-angel, was remembered quietly the day after Mother’s day- it was a very hard weekend, but I’m so much more at peace knowing he/she has a name (not to mention, that if the Rapture does occur this weekend, I’ll get to see my Aaron! And for the record, I believe that no one knows the day/time Jesus will return- only God)
  • In terms of our fertility path we came up with the following plan that I am pleased to announce:
    • We have one more IUI cycle covered by insurance, and we will cash-flow another through the summer months. In this cycle- IUI #3.2 (ha ha, get it, like software updates since we never really had a #3, and yet this isn’t #4- oh, so witty today!) I’ll be taking Femera, and doing the mid-cycle US with an ovulation trigger shot.
    • If not pregnant we see about doing a laparoscopy to see about endo/adhesions. I think this will conveniently occur during the weeks between our summer and fall semesters. Now this could go two ways- completely normal, or riddled with endo. If I do in fact have endo, then we’ll clean me out and try a couple more rounds of IUI. If not, then I guess our next step in this process would be IVF… but hello $$$$$, it would take us about a year to save up the money for IVF.
    • So we have decided to start our family through foster adoption in the event that IVF becomes our next move to having biologic copies of ourselves!

I am super psyched about this path! For the first time we have an actual road map… with an exit, or rather a new direction to our destination!

I do want to clarify that I don’t see any potential foster child/adoptee as consultation prizes, nor do I see them as an appetizer to hold me over until we can afford to have IVF or have any biological children. I see and know many children who have come from the foster care system and are thriving with their forever families- and I want to be that, and I have that capacity to fully love and accept a total stranger into my home and heart as my own!  To be honest, I am almost strangely more optimistic/excited for our foster adoption path than a successful IUI cycle?! Weird, but I think it just feels so much more  promising and finite. There will be an end to my yearning. When we take that step I can be so much more certain that a child will join our family. This won’t be without it’s bumps and share of heartache I’m sure, but neither is month, after month, after month of BFNs!

So that’s where we are at- IUI cycle #3.2, a name for our baby-angel, a plan for a family, and a plan for my man!

Life isn’t perfect, but it is looking brighter!  I feel good!

Thanks for stopping by, stay tuned for an exciting summer! And if you have insight to the foster-adoption system, I’d be very grateful for any help or information!

Much Love-

SeekingShirley

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Their ignorance is not my bliss!

Five whole days later, another good friend is pregnant- It’s raining hCG!!!!!

I love both of my friends dearly, but this is how they told me, see if you can spot the incredibly annoying, ignorant statements:

  • Prego #1, “Any good news?”
  • Me, “No, we taking this next month off to lose some weight and hopefully better our chances”
  • Prego #1, “Have you guys thought about adoption?”
  • Me, “Well last Monday I was ready to throw it all in and sign up for foster care. The house is just so empty, I just want to care for and love someone asap!”
  • Prego#1, “Well, you can have mine…”
  • Me, …. blank stare… (internal comentary, “Are you fucking kidding me”)… blank stare…
  • Prego #1, “Yeah, I’m pregnant. This is what booze will do to ya! I so wish you had good news, you are the last person, and I mean the last person that I’ve told…”

No on to today’s {heart} breaking news:

  • Prego #2: “I’m Pregnant!”  …. via text…. our last text conversation – December 2010.

Both are beautiful, loving, fun, awesome ladies- I love them both dearly, and I would have done the same stupid stuff three years ago as well. Hell, I did just yesterday! It was my friend’s birthday yesterday, and after wishing her a happy b-day we discussed our new plan, and she gave me a compliment about my weight saying there’s no excess weight to be found, and what do I do???  Say, “Oh yeah, I’m a good 20-30#s heavier than my drinking/bad eating habit days.”- how insensitive of me, since my friend has put on a bit more than my 20-30 after giving birth to three beautiful children.

Are we all  just dumb?!  I think we all have our moments. So I’m letting it all slide. We all make mistakes and have moments of stupid comments. It would just be nice if everyone was as aware of how hurtful comments be.

Happy Weekend Everyone…

SeekingShirley – now taking applications for a non-pregnant close friend!

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A New Plan…

One thing I am very grateful for is my husbands resilience- I throw so many ideas his way and he just roles with the punches very well.  On Monday I was ready to put it all on the line and sign up for foster-parenting or foster-adoption. DH finally admitted to me openly that he does not think he could handle kids coming and going, and I realized that I’m not ready to provide the level or type of care required by many children in the foster care system. Although I really, really, really want to care/love/provide for/help/mother any living breathing thing near me, I need to do so for myself first.

For example: I’m a firm believer in the benefits of a healthy diet- with minimal artificial flavorings, colors, preservatives, etc. I believe that a good diet can do wonders for the body and mind (DH and my MIL are living testaments to this- they treated DH’s allergies and ADHD as a child with an additive/preservative-free diet). So I have it in my  mind that our children will be tortured with the same healthy diets that we as children were subjected to! However… I don’t do that now for myself, so what makes me think that I will do it when I have the added responsibilities and stresses of parenthood?

One of my passages from If at First You Don’t Conceive, by William Schoolcraft is the Inner Love Meditation – its all about the Eastern traditions of motherhood- it helped me to see that even without actual children in my care I skill possess and use all of the mothering characteristics. Caring hands, loving eyes, an open lap, and a heart that knows no end. Reading this passage helped me to see that I am already a mother- I would give my life quite quickly and without thought for my nephews, grandcousins, and grandfriends (children of my friends = grandfriends, like a grandmother and a grandchild. Same logic applies to the grandcousins), I’ve known a positive pregnancy test and that feeling of elation, and when I was pregnant and during my 2ww’s I avoid all things bad.

So why don’t I do this all the time?

I have all the eggs I will ever have- all the DNA I could possibly pass on is with me every second of every day and is subjected to whatever I put into or do to my body.

With that in mind, yesterday I hit up the DH with another idea… let’s hold off a cycle and work on ourselves first. We are only covered for three IUI cycles per year with our insurance, so we have one left and I want to make it count! I’m going to take this next month and establish good eating habits, a healthy diet, and a good exercise regimen. I’m also going to work on my mental health- how could I help teach a child how to deal with anger, disappointment, and responsibilities if I don’t handle them correctly myself. Hopefully with some weight loss and overall better health, the third time will be a charm!

I hope DH takes this time to seek help for himself and his alcoholism. I’m very scared that trying to have a child has not been enough to make him want to get better, a huge wreck was not enough, and I’m pretty sure that dealing with a pregnant me and subsequently a child later on will not be the magic kick in the ass he needs to get help. So I’m praying he will find the strength to fight his demons this month with me as we take the stress of ART out of the picture for a moment.

Here’s to health and happiness for us all!

-SeekingShirley

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A Common Thread

Wearing my new pomegranate red bracelet!

image

As my Russian Sister (former exchange student) would say, “Women Solidarity!” (not to exclude the men affected by IF, that’s just what she said)

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Random Thoughts by Me!

  • I am not scared that my biological clock is ticking and about to expire… I’m more scared that the world will end in 2012 and I won’t have a child by then. Funny thing is I don’t believe anyone knows when the world will end, I just hope it’s not 2012!
  • Perhaps God is holding out on us because I haven’t completed my research paper for my Master’s degree.
  • Maybe He is waiting for DH to seek help for his alcoholism.
  • That makes me wonder if my miscarriage last fall was a little wake up call from the Big G to get our shit in gear… all three statements are ludicrous, but hmmm- ttc for nearly three years, working on degree for three years, and DH has been off the wagon for- you got  it, three years!
  • We’re going to have a conversation about foster parenting to adopt this afternoon- I think I’m at my ropes end, my house, arms, and life are just too empty. I have a lot of love to give to a child(children) in need, and I think I can take the devastation if/when they are returned to their family. At least I would have had a time, a special time, and a connection with someone in need of love and care.
  • I’m making a bracelet for the IF communities “Common Thread”, and my biggest question is what type of braid/knot I want to make. Even more, what kind of braid or knot I want to use for my friends/family going through IF. It’s harder now then it was when I was 12!

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May the Luck of the Irish be with Us All!

Happy St Patrick’s Day Everyone!

With that being said, I have a question for anyone who’s gone/going through the infertility circus. When and how did you decide to seek parenthood through adoption and stop using advanced reproductive technologies (ART)?

I had a very strange feeling yesterday morning while brushing my teeth (as if that’s relevant to you). That morning I found myself feeling just run down and not happy with my physical/mental/spiritual condition, and I experienced my first – Fuck this, let’s just adopt so I can stop living my life in two week intervals and stop putting my body through the ringer  – feeling.

I keep feeling just crappy with everything going on. I went to Wal-Mart twice this week, and both times I didn’t have my debit card on me, nor my check book – I had just enough cash to buy the toilet paper on Monday- thankfully! Tuesday’s trip was rather annoying anyways- I had just gotten out of BUNCO – a dice game with my lady friends- and to set the scene two are pregnant, three use the same day care provider, and there were only two of us without children- she has fertility issues too! All we heard about were pregnancy stories and daycare disaster stories- I was ready to choke on the dice, wait scratch that- choke some of them with the dice by the end of the evening. After our last round I went to Wal-Mart for grocery attempt #2, and there must have been a “bring your kid and get a discount” sale going on- every single person EVERY SINGLE PERSON had a baby with them, and then to top it off- Didn’t have my debit card again- FML!

Think I have issues? Think I have some problems weighing on my mind? A few, just a few…

And just to bitch and get it off my chest- one of my student’s wants to be excused from class this afternoon because her sister (a former student of mine as well) is having her baby, and then I had to stand and smile/laugh with my coworker go on an on about her daughter who is due in May – just a week after I would have been due – Yeah for them both, she said sarcastically.

On the bright side- week 1 of the 2ww is over. Next week is my sister’s wedding (Yeah!)! I received a very nice complement form a pretty hard-to-please person on my recently published research paper! And- it’s Thursday, which  means tomorrow is Friday!

Happy St. Pat’s Day- Have a green beer for me!

SeekingShirley

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