Tag Archives: Support Groups

Let’s Catch Up…

Hello- I’ve been absent for a while, no particular reason… just didn’t do my blog thing!

Well to let you in on what has happened since the first of April here’s a the run down:

  • I don’t really know what happened throughout April… it came, it went. No big news worth mentioning.
  • Towards the end of April while still trying to lose weight (I use the term try loosely, but I did have my biggest step forward in the last week of April) we attempted IUI #3. I was on 100mg of clomid, and felt just as I usually had, but when I had my mid-cycle ultrasound we found 5-6 mature follicles and my RE canceled our cycle. This left me a little completely pissed off- can’t figure out what’s our deal but I can sure produce the follicles!
  • The canceled IUI cycle came right after I caught my DH completely drunk. He “wasn’t very hungry” at dinner and barely ate a bit of pizza, when the man loves pizza, and he was oddly talkative and eager to help clean the house in preparation for Bunco the next evening. After dinner he went down stairs to shower and then I heard it- he was throwing up quite profusely. I took the poor guy a glass of water, and he couldn’t deny that he was completely blitzed. He confessed to downing 14 beers in the 15-20 minutes it took me to call him, go to the store, and drive home. We had many hugs and tears, and finished cleaning the house…
  • In the next coming days, between having the longest transvag US (ultrasound) and subsequent canceling of the IUI cycle, I gave DH an ultimatum – After three years it’s beyond time to get help or we will separate until you do! I slept in our spare bedroom the next two nights and went home over the weekend. There was never a struggle from DH, he just needed time to work through it all. He called and made an appointment for an evaluation.
  • The evaluation was yesterday, and I got to sit in on it. Last year, at the same location he went and they recommended about four weeks of individual meetings once a week… he did well for about 4-5 months, and was right back into it- and you all have seen the amount of damage he’s done since then! This time I am pleased to say that DH will be attending outpatient group therapy twice a week for 9 weeks, and then do once a week individual meetings after that for about 4 weeks!  Praise the Lord, I think this will get, and hopefully keep us on a good path for quite some time!  We will also be seeing a therapist for couples counseling and working on our communication.
  • May 9, 2011- would have been my due date for my first and only pregnancy that ended in a blighted ovum. After watching a program on three couples path through IF we were inspired to name our baby. Took a couple days to think of the perfect gender-neutral name for my perfect baby-angel, and then it hit me… Aaron! Aaron is named after his/her father’s middle name. And I know that the more common female version would be Erin, but I am just really fond of the double ‘a’, and fully believe that if our baby is a girl, she’d be perfectly capable of pulling off Aaron. So Aaron, my perfect baby-angel, was remembered quietly the day after Mother’s day- it was a very hard weekend, but I’m so much more at peace knowing he/she has a name (not to mention, that if the Rapture does occur this weekend, I’ll get to see my Aaron! And for the record, I believe that no one knows the day/time Jesus will return- only God)
  • In terms of our fertility path we came up with the following plan that I am pleased to announce:
    • We have one more IUI cycle covered by insurance, and we will cash-flow another through the summer months. In this cycle- IUI #3.2 (ha ha, get it, like software updates since we never really had a #3, and yet this isn’t #4- oh, so witty today!) I’ll be taking Femera, and doing the mid-cycle US with an ovulation trigger shot.
    • If not pregnant we see about doing a laparoscopy to see about endo/adhesions. I think this will conveniently occur during the weeks between our summer and fall semesters. Now this could go two ways- completely normal, or riddled with endo. If I do in fact have endo, then we’ll clean me out and try a couple more rounds of IUI. If not, then I guess our next step in this process would be IVF… but hello $$$$$, it would take us about a year to save up the money for IVF.
    • So we have decided to start our family through foster adoption in the event that IVF becomes our next move to having biologic copies of ourselves!

I am super psyched about this path! For the first time we have an actual road map… with an exit, or rather a new direction to our destination!

I do want to clarify that I don’t see any potential foster child/adoptee as consultation prizes, nor do I see them as an appetizer to hold me over until we can afford to have IVF or have any biological children. I see and know many children who have come from the foster care system and are thriving with their forever families- and I want to be that, and I have that capacity to fully love and accept a total stranger into my home and heart as my own!  To be honest, I am almost strangely more optimistic/excited for our foster adoption path than a successful IUI cycle?! Weird, but I think it just feels so much more  promising and finite. There will be an end to my yearning. When we take that step I can be so much more certain that a child will join our family. This won’t be without it’s bumps and share of heartache I’m sure, but neither is month, after month, after month of BFNs!

So that’s where we are at- IUI cycle #3.2, a name for our baby-angel, a plan for a family, and a plan for my man!

Life isn’t perfect, but it is looking brighter!  I feel good!

Thanks for stopping by, stay tuned for an exciting summer! And if you have insight to the foster-adoption system, I’d be very grateful for any help or information!

Much Love-

SeekingShirley

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Feeling totally Wrecked – just like our 4-Wheeler

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So here’s how my Saturday went: 5:30am wake up, 7:00am start a 16 hour shift at the hospital- busy day, didn’t get to sit/stop much until 10:00pm, 11:20pm make it home and I am greeted by my husband outside and he tells me this:

He wrecked our four-wheeler… about 20 minutes ago. He’s fine, his worst injury are two deep gashes in his arm, a sore knee, and a whole lot of road rashes, scrapes, and bumps.

So he wrecked the the four-wheeler and I’m wrecked with emotions. I asked if he had been drinking and said no, but what else would reduce the inhibitions and reaction time of a generally sane, safe- albeit risk-seeking man who on any other day of doing Lord knows what would be content to watch SportsCenter and reruns of Bones and Law and Order.

You should see the aftermath- I guess he went bombing down the field next to our house and he didn’t think he was coming up to the road that soon. Our roads are surrounded by bar ditches- he first went down the one side and then up the other side of the ditch which sent him flying – like he had jumped a ramp- over the road and he went nose end into the other side of the ditch, went through a a barbed wire fence (which is held up by big stone posts- what if he would have hit one of those!), and rolled end over end into a wheat field.

How he survived I don’t know- there are so many other outcomes that could have occurred. My chest, right in the middle of my sternum, ached last night as we were walking to the wreck and trying to load the four-wheeler onto a trailer. The ‘what-ifs’ are so horrible- I could have driven right by a dead or greatly injured husband and I wouldn’t have ever seen it.

I am Mad- Our stupidest purchase is now junk- we owe $4000 on the four-wheeler still. We were going to sell it to get out from under it on our quest to be debt free. Now- I wrecked the four-wheeler last May and so I’m not mad that he wrecked- when you ride long enough on a toy like a four-wheeler you will wreck. I am mad that he was going so damn fast – at night – without a helmet – by himself – and what I believe to be drunk. I am mad that I think he lied to me.

DH was always very open about alcoholism before he fell off the wagon. He introduced me to the AA definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can’t help be see the same things happening over and over again. Many times when I am gone all day I return home to a drinking husband. This time he seriously hurt himself.  I’m very blessed (I guess) that he is rather safe with his drinking- he says he doesn’t drive and I generally believe him- for these days/nights alone he stays here at the house- he’s a home body. So I’ve never really been scared for his life. Last night changed all that.

Today has been a dreary dreadful day- the sun hasn’t shown once, it started snowing again, and we are both sore and just plain sad.

I want to talk with him so much- express my concern and encourage him to seek help. A year ago he went to 6 one-on-one counseling sessions for his relapse. His counselor encouraged him to attend AA meetings to keep him focused- he does not want to go to meeting. I have encouraged him to find a counselor to see on a regular basis, and he won’t do that either. I have encouraged him to seek support groups on line (you know I love mine!), and he won’t take the initiative. I know you can’t make an alcoholic seek treatment- they will not change until they are ready, which is generally rock bottom. So how do I raise his bottom- I’m not willing to leave him, and he’s fully capable of supporting himself.  All my “knowledge” on this type of situation is from Intervention. This situation is so different from many of those sad situations.

I’m hoping to talk with DH tonight while all this is sorted through my mind, and it’s still a fresh subject- I hate bringing up stuff like this days later. It’s not going to be easy, but life and marriage aren’t ment to be easy all the time I believe. It helps us to appreciate the good times, and I can’t wait for the good times in our future.

If you have any advice or know of any sources of information- I’d really appreciate it. I’m going to go attend my Al-Anon meeting on Thursday and search through my materials in the meantime.

I hope your weekend as far better, and if it was equally as shitty- I’m here with you.

-SeekingShirley more than ever!

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IUI Round 2

Hello all-

I received a positive smiley face from my digital LH test this morning 🙂

So tomorrow we go back and do our thing!

I’m feeling much more confident than last time- hopefully I will not experience the paralyzing fear again.  A big part of my renewed hope and confidence is from viewers like you… a HUGE thank you to the people who found their way to my blog last time from the wonderful world of Lost and Found and Connections Abound

It’s so amazing to find a specific group of people to connect with. My mom told me an interesting factoid this weekend. She had heard that people with a good support system were  more likely to conceive. So I’m here to support my fellow infertiles and I very much appreciate the support I receive!

Here we go- IUI Round 2…

Wish me luck!

SeekingShirley

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