Tag Archives: Work

Hard Facts

Well this post has really nothing to do with infertility, alcoholism, or really even being pregnant even though my future after having a baby is the key topic of discussion today.

I don’t like my job. I hate sitting here in front of the computer for 90% of my work week. I want to be active and work with people- have conversations, use words! I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, but sitting here in my office is not for me. So you might say that I need to change jobs – simple enough, right?

Wrong, my job is the bread winner of our family, it also provides us with our health insurance and it’s super flexible (at least in terms of come/go hours, ability to leave for appointments, etc.). So I can’t just willy-nilly leave and pursue anything that wouldn’t also provide most of these luxuries. This makes me feel so bad – if DH would happen to get a better paying job, perhaps one that had insurance options etc. then I could pursue other ideas like a home daycare and sunless tanning job (random- I know, but people say I’m really good with kids and should open up a daycare, and I have a huge passion for safe sun and there really is nobody in town who is solely in the business of sunless tanning).

If we weren’t tied to the family farm we could leave town and find opportunities elsewhere, but we like it here, and I so get what its like to have a family business. Believe me if I were a guy I’d be home building houses taking over our construction business (wish I could do that now… maybe not, but still can’t wait to build our own house some day).

I just find it so unbearable to think that I’ve gone through grad school (which I am STILL NOT DONE with my paper – ugggghhhhhhhh) I have a good job, that I like, but do not love and cannot stay in forever. I’m on a tenure track position, but I really do not want to pursue tenure when I have no passion for the job!

My one hope is to stick this out long enough for a position to open at the local hospital, perhaps then I could get back into the clinical side of things. However, I just recently quit my PRN job because working overnight when pregnant did not sound appealing to me, and I’ve worked too hard to get to this point to feel stressed and overworked for a job that isn’t necessary.

I just feel stuck, can’t leave for anything that doesn’t get us close to what I make now, but I also can’t ask DH to change jobs just so I could hopefully be happier.

All I know is that I need to buck up, work hard on what I am doing now- can’t slack off just because I don’t care for the job. I still have students who depend on me and I could be so much better for them. I need to focus on my work and save stuff like blog posting, facebook checks, and ‘research’ (aka baby comparison shopping) to after hours. If I could just do the things that need to be done and feel proud of that I think I would be so much happier – but what is worse~ forcing yourself to do work you don’t like in hopes of being happy with those accomplishments, or leaving and creating a difficult situation in hopes of finding happiness in something you do?

Hope all is well in your world.

-Seeking Shirley

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Relief

First of all a big THANKS Lauri and Kelly – your support, thoughts, and prayers are awesome!

I got the results of my second beta back- drum roll please………………. 712!

So we went from 278 on Monday to 712 on Wednesday – more than doubled in 48 hours- Praise the Lord!

I had them order a progesterone test as well, just to ease my worried mind that I might have a possible luteal phase defect, and it was a good 35.3.

Feeling much better- closer to God in fact, I’ve been praying a lot and using specific prayers I’ve pulled off of the demi-god Google that have really helped me relax. Feel so much better having a set, poetic, focused prayer rather than just my cries for help, why me’s, and ramblings.

DH was super sweet this morning- it’s a shame one has to be newly pregnant to get him in a much better mood in the morning. He has horrible allergies and is always (and I mean always, as in each and every day) heavily congested in the a.m. As you can see in the image below- this is why, his ethmoid sinuses are nearly completely congested!

DH's cornal sinus image Trouble Breathing?  Such a handsome lad!

So now I’m off to write a paper- my goal is to have my my 1st draft to my teacher on Monday… now that I have this under my belt I feel so much better, and hopefully I can concentrate, focus, and put out some great work!

Thanks for visiting- our next step is to have another beta next Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound on 7/6! Can’t wait to see that little heart beat… well at least I think by then it should be there by then… and I hope it is there! Not out of the woods yet, but at least these woods seem quite friendlier than the scary, unforgiving woods of a miscarriage.

Love to all!

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Pregnancy

Work Day Blues

Hello reader,

Today is a sad day here at work. My office neighbor had her last day today, her contract was not renewed. So today we had a lunch and pulled together some money for a gift card. There are 8 (well 7 now) people who work in my office…. 4 came to the lunch.

I like to live in my own naive world where everyone is good natures, and does nice things, the right things, when they should. Today after I put my message in the card and took it to the other faculty members, she said she wasn’t going to be contributing to the gift. I was so shocked, I didn’t have time to process it and put my confused why you being such a bitch look on my face, so I just said, “Oh! Ok, perhaps you should check with the secretary about signing the card then.”

This afternoon I just feel sick… there were two faculty members who did not sign the card, participate in the lunch, put together some cash to go towards the gift card, or even say goodbye. I can see why our supervisor wouldn’t attend or sign a card, but come on- these other two ladies didn’t have anything to do with supervising my lost neighbor. We are a small department, and this act was just cold, callus, and unbecoming. They just turned their back and clearly drew the line in the sand between the department.

I still want to ‘like’ these ladies- one is even a fellow IFer who I just recently started talking to about our IF struggles… man, what a wake up call- well not really, but it just sucks when people don’t do what is right and you can’t look at them in the same light.

So that’s my sad Monday story. It sucks. I want a new job…

… and now I just got a text from my former neighbor- one lady wrote and email, and one caught her in the hall today. Doesn’t make it right, but at least I get to partially re-enter my dream land of rainbows and butterflies, Aangels and marshmallows where everyone is truly good on the inside.

6 more days until I get to test if I still wish… don’t know, don’t feel any different, wish it was next week already!

Hope your Monday is better than this…

-SeekingShirley

 

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