Tag Archives: Miscarriage

Scare Tactics

As happy as I am to be at this point, my joy is overshadowed by the looming thought that it could all go away at any minute.

Anytime my boobs stop hurting, any twinge of my uterus, and the constant lack of morning sickness makes me worry. I’ve been very worried for the past 12 hours or so. For the last two/three days I’ve been able to brush my teeth and clear my through without gagging… not that I want that feeling of an impending up-chuck, but it is comforting in a way. When it’s gone my mind can’t help but wonder why today all of a sudden I can stomach that?

Then last night I notice that my boobs aren’t as sore when I took off my bra, and then I look down and gasp my right boob is smaller than the left one now… it just doesn’t seem as full as it did a couple days ago- both boobs seem deflated today. So then my mind wonders, I can accept pain coming and going, but fullness and size? Match that with my lack of my morning gag routine and you have one worried lady!

I tell DH this last night and I was restless all night, praying constantly that God doesn’t take this one away from me too. Didn’t sleep well, can’t concentrate on work etc. etc. etc.

Then this morning I ask DH if he has a good feeling about all this, and he says Yes. I ask if he’s sure or if he’s just saying that and he says Yes again, and tells me that he actually had a bad feeling about our first pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. What an odd comfort, but it was comforting to me to hear that his premonition has a positive outlook for Cletus the Fetus and Us! I have long thought that fathers have some sort of magical connection in some way – like when my friends husband knew she was pregnant before she knew- strange little feelings like that. So I feel better this morning after hugging it out with DH- thank God for his good feelings to make me feel better!

I have a feeling it’s going to be a wild up and down rollercoaster for the next 16.5 weeks. My friend and I had lunch yesterday- she’s 24 weeks and informed me that her OB told her that if anything happened before 24 weeks they couldn’t do anything to help- that’s reassuring for this lady who just wanted to get through 12 weeks- geesh!

I work in medical imaging, but don’t do ultrasound… man I wish I would have went down that road now!  Imaging your self or anyone else without a doctors order is not allowed, but man what I would give to see a heartbeat and have that reassurance! It would just be too tempting not to!  So I resign myself to faith, let it all go to God for now. I just have to work on letting it stay with God- it’s just hard to do when all you’ve known is disappointment and loss to think that it will be different this time! … Let God take it from me and wait to hear a heartbeat with a stethoscope which isn’t illegal! 🙂

Hope you have a Happy Hump Day!



Filed under Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Deep Breath


This week has not been all sunshine and rainbows for me. I’m struggling to get anything done on my final paper for grad school- I’m so mad at myself, and I know (my sister keeps telling me, DH keeps reminding me) that I just need to take a deep breath, relax, clear my head and move forward.  I have some axiety issues with this paper- I keep dwelling on my failures and I let it and every other bad thought fill my brain and overwhelm myself into despair and I start the cycle all over again… getting mad at myself for not getting anything done.

So in true me fashion I made a paper chain – enough for one ring per topic I need to cover in the rest of the paper, and each ring has a positive saying on it to keep me going.    🙂    Hopefully it works.  I’m feeling a bit better today, however I only got one topic completed (so far).

I’ve caught a cold that started on Sunday with a runny nose, that moved to my entire head on Monday, and now is in my chest today. I need my rest- I just stayed up too late this weekend and it did me in. I’m not looking forward to working this weekend at the hospital – on Friday I’m there from 3pm to 11pm, and on Saturday night/Sunday morning from midnight to 8am. Ughhh…. I’m putting in my two weeks notice once I get confirmation that my beta count has progressed normally.

Which brings my to my main concern (second concern behind the paper perhaps… nah, it’s my main concern)- I just keep waiting to start spotting/bleeding like last time. Each and every time I use the restroom (which is quite often, I’m drinking so much water at work!) my heart skips a beat with every successful outcome of no spotting!  I still keep waiting for it though, like it’s just around the corner- I read far much into every twinge and every absence of a twinge as a bad sign. I wish I could be more positive…

DH and I were talking this evening when he got back from group therapy (all is going sooooo well there, can’t thank God enough there!), and I figured up how many days of happy pregnancy I had last time with Aaron – 11 days until I started spotting from the time I had my first positive pregnancy test. Today its has been … well crap, it’s only been 9.

Well, I was going to write how much relief I felt thinking that I had surpassed my last pregnancy by two days without spotting, but I guess I was wrong… it’s only been nine days, but at least this time my boobs hurt!

So tomorrow I go and get another beta, just one to see how it’s all progressing- I’m hoping for anything over 3,500. A week ago my number was 712, and once the hCG count gets in the higher numbers it can take up to 96 hours to double so that’s what I’m going for. I figure shoot for low so I can be realistic, or happier when it’s higher I guess?  Here’s my math:

6/22 – 712

48 hours later – 6/24 ~1400 (once in the higher numbers taking up to 96 hours to double)

96 hours later – 6/28 ~ 2800

24 hours later – 6/29 ~ ?????? Hopefully above 3500

I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks for stopping by!

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Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Beta #1

First hurdle has been… well hurdled!

My first Beta count that was drawn this morning was at 278.  Of course, that doesn’t mean much until we see what it goes to on Wednesday (should double about every 48 hours), it just means that I am indeed pregnant.

I’m pretty happy with this level. From my first pregnancy with Aaron, which sadly ended as a blighted ovum, my first Beta count took place on Week 6 and 1 day and was only 1,957.  If all goes well and I were to have a steady Beta rise and were to have another lab drawn on July 2 (Week 6 day 1 of this pregnancy) my number should be at 8,896. So you can see that Aaron just didn’t have a chance, just wasn’t where he/she should have been on the hCG scale.

So here’s to eating healthy, staying active, saying lots of prayers, and hoping to reach my Beta goal of 556 on Wednesday!

Have a great day~


Filed under Miscarriage, Pregnancy

A Common Thread

Wearing my new pomegranate red bracelet!


As my Russian Sister (former exchange student) would say, “Women Solidarity!” (not to exclude the men affected by IF, that’s just what she said)


Filed under Infertility

Random Thoughts by Me!

  • I am not scared that my biological clock is ticking and about to expire… I’m more scared that the world will end in 2012 and I won’t have a child by then. Funny thing is I don’t believe anyone knows when the world will end, I just hope it’s not 2012!
  • Perhaps God is holding out on us because I haven’t completed my research paper for my Master’s degree.
  • Maybe He is waiting for DH to seek help for his alcoholism.
  • That makes me wonder if my miscarriage last fall was a little wake up call from the Big G to get our shit in gear… all three statements are ludicrous, but hmmm- ttc for nearly three years, working on degree for three years, and DH has been off the wagon for- you got  it, three years!
  • We’re going to have a conversation about foster parenting to adopt this afternoon- I think I’m at my ropes end, my house, arms, and life are just too empty. I have a lot of love to give to a child(children) in need, and I think I can take the devastation if/when they are returned to their family. At least I would have had a time, a special time, and a connection with someone in need of love and care.
  • I’m making a bracelet for the IF communities “Common Thread”, and my biggest question is what type of braid/knot I want to make. Even more, what kind of braid or knot I want to use for my friends/family going through IF. It’s harder now then it was when I was 12!


Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage

CD1… A fresh start?

I’m convinced that most women who are ttc could all be classified as bipolar- at an all time low one day just to turn around and be in a manic state of optimism and preparation for the next cycle. Infertility is truly an emotional roller-coaster… but none of us wanted to ride, and we generally have to pay much more than an arm and a leg!

That’s where I’m at… ready to take on the world, sort of… I’m ready to drink this weekend with my sister and hopefully my sister-in-law if she’s up to it and available.

Yes, her first IVF cycle did not end in a viable pregnancy. I know the un-Godly amount of disappointment that low beta numbers bring, but I don’t know what its like to know you had the start of two babies and they didn’t survive once placed in you.

So I mourn the loss of my niece(s)/nephew(s), and pray they find their baby-angel cousin in Heaven.

I am oddly struck with comfort at that thought- my baby-angel and her baby-angels getting to play together- I like that thought, and I’ll leave it with you.


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Filed under Infertility, Loss, Miscarriage, Uncategorized

Oh to be done…

Hello Shirlies-

It’s been quite a while since my last post. It’s been almost a month since I had my D&C. Things are going pretty well, still have (and I believe I always will in some way) bad moments when the reminder of my miscarriage is a little too much.

For instance- I went to Wal-Mart today and thought about how it was only about the second time since I had my miscarriage that I had been in Wal-Mart. Funny how a store with nearly everything one would need on a daily basis is a big reminder of the few days that I was happily pregnant- walking down the isles looking forward to the days when I would truly belong in the baby section.

But back to my absence- I have some good news… I’ve been working on my grad school research paper!  It’s much like a thesis, this is my exit file paper, the big one, the one that will set me free… the one I’ve been putting off for 18 months now!

I’ve read over sixty articles to get here and now I’m desperately (and yet not so desperately) writing so I can turn it in and be done with it!

It all started about 12 days ago when I had had enough! I took a “sick” day and came up with a plan to finish this chapter in my life. I even went so far as to make a paper chain with messages to myself to keep me motivated and going. And I was doing good I tell you- these past two weeks have been pretty good in terms of productivity and positive self-feelings. Yet, after doing some double checking I realized that the final paper has to be in a whole week before I was planning on. This means that not only am I too late by regular standards, but I am pretty much 99% sure that even if I do produce a really good paper to my adviser I will still not graduate this semester.

Needless to say, my drive came to a screeching halt this weekend, and so I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I will not stop again and wait until next semester, I WILL GET THIS PAPER DONE… just maybe not in time to graduate this fall, and I’m ok with that.

So with that, I am off again to write some more. It is soooo much easier to write here than on that paper- if only it were so easy!

My new motto today: “Don’t let anything distract you from winning” – Sue Sylvester, Glee.

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Miscarriage, Productivity