Tag Archives: loss

Scare Tactics

As happy as I am to be at this point, my joy is overshadowed by the looming thought that it could all go away at any minute.

Anytime my boobs stop hurting, any twinge of my uterus, and the constant lack of morning sickness makes me worry. I’ve been very worried for the past 12 hours or so. For the last two/three days I’ve been able to brush my teeth and clear my through without gagging… not that I want that feeling of an impending up-chuck, but it is comforting in a way. When it’s gone my mind can’t help but wonder why today all of a sudden I can stomach that?

Then last night I notice that my boobs aren’t as sore when I took off my bra, and then I look down and gasp my right boob is smaller than the left one now… it just doesn’t seem as full as it did a couple days ago- both boobs seem deflated today. So then my mind wonders, I can accept pain coming and going, but fullness and size? Match that with my lack of my morning gag routine and you have one worried lady!

I tell DH this last night and I was restless all night, praying constantly that God doesn’t take this one away from me too. Didn’t sleep well, can’t concentrate on work etc. etc. etc.

Then this morning I ask DH if he has a good feeling about all this, and he says Yes. I ask if he’s sure or if he’s just saying that and he says Yes again, and tells me that he actually had a bad feeling about our first pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. What an odd comfort, but it was comforting to me to hear that his premonition has a positive outlook for Cletus the Fetus and Us! I have long thought that fathers have some sort of magical connection in some way – like when my friends husband knew she was pregnant before she knew- strange little feelings like that. So I feel better this morning after hugging it out with DH- thank God for his good feelings to make me feel better!

I have a feeling it’s going to be a wild up and down rollercoaster for the next 16.5 weeks. My friend and I had lunch yesterday- she’s 24 weeks and informed me that her OB told her that if anything happened before 24 weeks they couldn’t do anything to help- that’s reassuring for this lady who just wanted to get through 12 weeks- geesh!

I work in medical imaging, but don’t do ultrasound… man I wish I would have went down that road now!  Imaging your self or anyone else without a doctors order is not allowed, but man what I would give to see a heartbeat and have that reassurance! It would just be too tempting not to!  So I resign myself to faith, let it all go to God for now. I just have to work on letting it stay with God- it’s just hard to do when all you’ve known is disappointment and loss to think that it will be different this time! … Let God take it from me and wait to hear a heartbeat with a stethoscope which isn’t illegal! 🙂

Hope you have a Happy Hump Day!



Filed under Miscarriage, Pregnancy

A Common Thread

Wearing my new pomegranate red bracelet!


As my Russian Sister (former exchange student) would say, “Women Solidarity!” (not to exclude the men affected by IF, that’s just what she said)


Filed under Infertility

Random Thoughts by Me!

  • I am not scared that my biological clock is ticking and about to expire… I’m more scared that the world will end in 2012 and I won’t have a child by then. Funny thing is I don’t believe anyone knows when the world will end, I just hope it’s not 2012!
  • Perhaps God is holding out on us because I haven’t completed my research paper for my Master’s degree.
  • Maybe He is waiting for DH to seek help for his alcoholism.
  • That makes me wonder if my miscarriage last fall was a little wake up call from the Big G to get our shit in gear… all three statements are ludicrous, but hmmm- ttc for nearly three years, working on degree for three years, and DH has been off the wagon for- you got  it, three years!
  • We’re going to have a conversation about foster parenting to adopt this afternoon- I think I’m at my ropes end, my house, arms, and life are just too empty. I have a lot of love to give to a child(children) in need, and I think I can take the devastation if/when they are returned to their family. At least I would have had a time, a special time, and a connection with someone in need of love and care.
  • I’m making a bracelet for the IF communities “Common Thread”, and my biggest question is what type of braid/knot I want to make. Even more, what kind of braid or knot I want to use for my friends/family going through IF. It’s harder now then it was when I was 12!


Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage

CD1… A fresh start?

I’m convinced that most women who are ttc could all be classified as bipolar- at an all time low one day just to turn around and be in a manic state of optimism and preparation for the next cycle. Infertility is truly an emotional roller-coaster… but none of us wanted to ride, and we generally have to pay much more than an arm and a leg!

That’s where I’m at… ready to take on the world, sort of… I’m ready to drink this weekend with my sister and hopefully my sister-in-law if she’s up to it and available.

Yes, her first IVF cycle did not end in a viable pregnancy. I know the un-Godly amount of disappointment that low beta numbers bring, but I don’t know what its like to know you had the start of two babies and they didn’t survive once placed in you.

So I mourn the loss of my niece(s)/nephew(s), and pray they find their baby-angel cousin in Heaven.

I am oddly struck with comfort at that thought- my baby-angel and her baby-angels getting to play together- I like that thought, and I’ll leave it with you.


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Filed under Infertility, Loss, Miscarriage, Uncategorized