Tag Archives: Procrastination

Hard Facts

Well this post has really nothing to do with infertility, alcoholism, or really even being pregnant even though my future after having a baby is the key topic of discussion today.

I don’t like my job. I hate sitting here in front of the computer for 90% of my work week. I want to be active and work with people- have conversations, use words! I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, but sitting here in my office is not for me. So you might say that I need to change jobs – simple enough, right?

Wrong, my job is the bread winner of our family, it also provides us with our health insurance and it’s super flexible (at least in terms of come/go hours, ability to leave for appointments, etc.). So I can’t just willy-nilly leave and pursue anything that wouldn’t also provide most of these luxuries. This makes me feel so bad – if DH would happen to get a better paying job, perhaps one that had insurance options etc. then I could pursue other ideas like a home daycare and sunless tanning job (random- I know, but people say I’m really good with kids and should open up a daycare, and I have a huge passion for safe sun and there really is nobody in town who is solely in the business of sunless tanning).

If we weren’t tied to the family farm we could leave town and find opportunities elsewhere, but we like it here, and I so get what its like to have a family business. Believe me if I were a guy I’d be home building houses taking over our construction business (wish I could do that now… maybe not, but still can’t wait to build our own house some day).

I just find it so unbearable to think that I’ve gone through grad school (which I am STILL NOT DONE with my paper – ugggghhhhhhhh) I have a good job, that I like, but do not love and cannot stay in forever. I’m on a tenure track position, but I really do not want to pursue tenure when I have no passion for the job!

My one hope is to stick this out long enough for a position to open at the local hospital, perhaps then I could get back into the clinical side of things. However, I just recently quit my PRN job because working overnight when pregnant did not sound appealing to me, and I’ve worked too hard to get to this point to feel stressed and overworked for a job that isn’t necessary.

I just feel stuck, can’t leave for anything that doesn’t get us close to what I make now, but I also can’t ask DH to change jobs just so I could hopefully be happier.

All I know is that I need to buck up, work hard on what I am doing now- can’t slack off just because I don’t care for the job. I still have students who depend on me and I could be so much better for them. I need to focus on my work and save stuff like blog posting, facebook checks, and ‘research’ (aka baby comparison shopping) to after hours. If I could just do the things that need to be done and feel proud of that I think I would be so much happier – but what is worse~ forcing yourself to do work you don’t like in hopes of being happy with those accomplishments, or leaving and creating a difficult situation in hopes of finding happiness in something you do?

Hope all is well in your world.

-Seeking Shirley

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Deep Breath

Hello-

This week has not been all sunshine and rainbows for me. I’m struggling to get anything done on my final paper for grad school- I’m so mad at myself, and I know (my sister keeps telling me, DH keeps reminding me) that I just need to take a deep breath, relax, clear my head and move forward.  I have some axiety issues with this paper- I keep dwelling on my failures and I let it and every other bad thought fill my brain and overwhelm myself into despair and I start the cycle all over again… getting mad at myself for not getting anything done.

So in true me fashion I made a paper chain – enough for one ring per topic I need to cover in the rest of the paper, and each ring has a positive saying on it to keep me going.    🙂    Hopefully it works.  I’m feeling a bit better today, however I only got one topic completed (so far).

I’ve caught a cold that started on Sunday with a runny nose, that moved to my entire head on Monday, and now is in my chest today. I need my rest- I just stayed up too late this weekend and it did me in. I’m not looking forward to working this weekend at the hospital – on Friday I’m there from 3pm to 11pm, and on Saturday night/Sunday morning from midnight to 8am. Ughhh…. I’m putting in my two weeks notice once I get confirmation that my beta count has progressed normally.

Which brings my to my main concern (second concern behind the paper perhaps… nah, it’s my main concern)- I just keep waiting to start spotting/bleeding like last time. Each and every time I use the restroom (which is quite often, I’m drinking so much water at work!) my heart skips a beat with every successful outcome of no spotting!  I still keep waiting for it though, like it’s just around the corner- I read far much into every twinge and every absence of a twinge as a bad sign. I wish I could be more positive…

DH and I were talking this evening when he got back from group therapy (all is going sooooo well there, can’t thank God enough there!), and I figured up how many days of happy pregnancy I had last time with Aaron – 11 days until I started spotting from the time I had my first positive pregnancy test. Today its has been … well crap, it’s only been 9.

Well, I was going to write how much relief I felt thinking that I had surpassed my last pregnancy by two days without spotting, but I guess I was wrong… it’s only been nine days, but at least this time my boobs hurt!

So tomorrow I go and get another beta, just one to see how it’s all progressing- I’m hoping for anything over 3,500. A week ago my number was 712, and once the hCG count gets in the higher numbers it can take up to 96 hours to double so that’s what I’m going for. I figure shoot for low so I can be realistic, or happier when it’s higher I guess?  Here’s my math:

6/22 – 712

48 hours later – 6/24 ~1400 (once in the higher numbers taking up to 96 hours to double)

96 hours later – 6/28 ~ 2800

24 hours later – 6/29 ~ ?????? Hopefully above 3500

I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks for stopping by!

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Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Relief

First of all a big THANKS Lauri and Kelly – your support, thoughts, and prayers are awesome!

I got the results of my second beta back- drum roll please………………. 712!

So we went from 278 on Monday to 712 on Wednesday – more than doubled in 48 hours- Praise the Lord!

I had them order a progesterone test as well, just to ease my worried mind that I might have a possible luteal phase defect, and it was a good 35.3.

Feeling much better- closer to God in fact, I’ve been praying a lot and using specific prayers I’ve pulled off of the demi-god Google that have really helped me relax. Feel so much better having a set, poetic, focused prayer rather than just my cries for help, why me’s, and ramblings.

DH was super sweet this morning- it’s a shame one has to be newly pregnant to get him in a much better mood in the morning. He has horrible allergies and is always (and I mean always, as in each and every day) heavily congested in the a.m. As you can see in the image below- this is why, his ethmoid sinuses are nearly completely congested!

DH's cornal sinus image Trouble Breathing?  Such a handsome lad!

So now I’m off to write a paper- my goal is to have my my 1st draft to my teacher on Monday… now that I have this under my belt I feel so much better, and hopefully I can concentrate, focus, and put out some great work!

Thanks for visiting- our next step is to have another beta next Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound on 7/6! Can’t wait to see that little heart beat… well at least I think by then it should be there by then… and I hope it is there! Not out of the woods yet, but at least these woods seem quite friendlier than the scary, unforgiving woods of a miscarriage.

Love to all!

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Pregnancy

“No”

I love the word “No”! I told it to myself all day today, and I loved it!

I worked all day at work- not once did I check a personal website- No facebook, no personal email, no blog-reading, no blog update!

It felt STUPENDOUS!

Ironically, saying “No” to myself, left me feeling so free. Free from my poor work habits, and unnecessary ‘needs’ (like constant facebook check-ins)!

I hope something like the little, often misunderstood word “no” can bring a smile to your face for the second half of the week!

-SeekingShirley

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