Tag Archives: Productivity

Hard Facts

Well this post has really nothing to do with infertility, alcoholism, or really even being pregnant even though my future after having a baby is the key topic of discussion today.

I don’t like my job. I hate sitting here in front of the computer for 90% of my work week. I want to be active and work with people- have conversations, use words! I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, but sitting here in my office is not for me. So you might say that I need to change jobs – simple enough, right?

Wrong, my job is the bread winner of our family, it also provides us with our health insurance and it’s super flexible (at least in terms of come/go hours, ability to leave for appointments, etc.). So I can’t just willy-nilly leave and pursue anything that wouldn’t also provide most of these luxuries. This makes me feel so bad – if DH would happen to get a better paying job, perhaps one that had insurance options etc. then I could pursue other ideas like a home daycare and sunless tanning job (random- I know, but people say I’m really good with kids and should open up a daycare, and I have a huge passion for safe sun and there really is nobody in town who is solely in the business of sunless tanning).

If we weren’t tied to the family farm we could leave town and find opportunities elsewhere, but we like it here, and I so get what its like to have a family business. Believe me if I were a guy I’d be home building houses taking over our construction business (wish I could do that now… maybe not, but still can’t wait to build our own house some day).

I just find it so unbearable to think that I’ve gone through grad school (which I am STILL NOT DONE with my paper – ugggghhhhhhhh) I have a good job, that I like, but do not love and cannot stay in forever. I’m on a tenure track position, but I really do not want to pursue tenure when I have no passion for the job!

My one hope is to stick this out long enough for a position to open at the local hospital, perhaps then I could get back into the clinical side of things. However, I just recently quit my PRN job because working overnight when pregnant did not sound appealing to me, and I’ve worked too hard to get to this point to feel stressed and overworked for a job that isn’t necessary.

I just feel stuck, can’t leave for anything that doesn’t get us close to what I make now, but I also can’t ask DH to change jobs just so I could hopefully be happier.

All I know is that I need to buck up, work hard on what I am doing now- can’t slack off just because I don’t care for the job. I still have students who depend on me and I could be so much better for them. I need to focus on my work and save stuff like blog posting, facebook checks, and ‘research’ (aka baby comparison shopping) to after hours. If I could just do the things that need to be done and feel proud of that I think I would be so much happier – but what is worse~ forcing yourself to do work you don’t like in hopes of being happy with those accomplishments, or leaving and creating a difficult situation in hopes of finding happiness in something you do?

Hope all is well in your world.

-Seeking Shirley

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Filed under Happiness

Relief

First of all a big THANKS Lauri and Kelly – your support, thoughts, and prayers are awesome!

I got the results of my second beta back- drum roll please………………. 712!

So we went from 278 on Monday to 712 on Wednesday – more than doubled in 48 hours- Praise the Lord!

I had them order a progesterone test as well, just to ease my worried mind that I might have a possible luteal phase defect, and it was a good 35.3.

Feeling much better- closer to God in fact, I’ve been praying a lot and using specific prayers I’ve pulled off of the demi-god Google that have really helped me relax. Feel so much better having a set, poetic, focused prayer rather than just my cries for help, why me’s, and ramblings.

DH was super sweet this morning- it’s a shame one has to be newly pregnant to get him in a much better mood in the morning. He has horrible allergies and is always (and I mean always, as in each and every day) heavily congested in the a.m. As you can see in the image below- this is why, his ethmoid sinuses are nearly completely congested!

DH's cornal sinus image Trouble Breathing?  Such a handsome lad!

So now I’m off to write a paper- my goal is to have my my 1st draft to my teacher on Monday… now that I have this under my belt I feel so much better, and hopefully I can concentrate, focus, and put out some great work!

Thanks for visiting- our next step is to have another beta next Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound on 7/6! Can’t wait to see that little heart beat… well at least I think by then it should be there by then… and I hope it is there! Not out of the woods yet, but at least these woods seem quite friendlier than the scary, unforgiving woods of a miscarriage.

Love to all!

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Pregnancy

Oh to be done…

Hello Shirlies-

It’s been quite a while since my last post. It’s been almost a month since I had my D&C. Things are going pretty well, still have (and I believe I always will in some way) bad moments when the reminder of my miscarriage is a little too much.

For instance- I went to Wal-Mart today and thought about how it was only about the second time since I had my miscarriage that I had been in Wal-Mart. Funny how a store with nearly everything one would need on a daily basis is a big reminder of the few days that I was happily pregnant- walking down the isles looking forward to the days when I would truly belong in the baby section.

But back to my absence- I have some good news… I’ve been working on my grad school research paper!  It’s much like a thesis, this is my exit file paper, the big one, the one that will set me free… the one I’ve been putting off for 18 months now!

I’ve read over sixty articles to get here and now I’m desperately (and yet not so desperately) writing so I can turn it in and be done with it!

It all started about 12 days ago when I had had enough! I took a “sick” day and came up with a plan to finish this chapter in my life. I even went so far as to make a paper chain with messages to myself to keep me motivated and going. And I was doing good I tell you- these past two weeks have been pretty good in terms of productivity and positive self-feelings. Yet, after doing some double checking I realized that the final paper has to be in a whole week before I was planning on. This means that not only am I too late by regular standards, but I am pretty much 99% sure that even if I do produce a really good paper to my adviser I will still not graduate this semester.

Needless to say, my drive came to a screeching halt this weekend, and so I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I will not stop again and wait until next semester, I WILL GET THIS PAPER DONE… just maybe not in time to graduate this fall, and I’m ok with that.

So with that, I am off again to write some more. It is soooo much easier to write here than on that paper- if only it were so easy!

My new motto today: “Don’t let anything distract you from winning” – Sue Sylvester, Glee.

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Miscarriage, Productivity