Tag Archives: Happiness

Hard Facts

Well this post has really nothing to do with infertility, alcoholism, or really even being pregnant even though my future after having a baby is the key topic of discussion today.

I don’t like my job. I hate sitting here in front of the computer for 90% of my work week. I want to be active and work with people- have conversations, use words! I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, but sitting here in my office is not for me. So you might say that I need to change jobs – simple enough, right?

Wrong, my job is the bread winner of our family, it also provides us with our health insurance and it’s super flexible (at least in terms of come/go hours, ability to leave for appointments, etc.). So I can’t just willy-nilly leave and pursue anything that wouldn’t also provide most of these luxuries. This makes me feel so bad – if DH would happen to get a better paying job, perhaps one that had insurance options etc. then I could pursue other ideas like a home daycare and sunless tanning job (random- I know, but people say I’m really good with kids and should open up a daycare, and I have a huge passion for safe sun and there really is nobody in town who is solely in the business of sunless tanning).

If we weren’t tied to the family farm we could leave town and find opportunities elsewhere, but we like it here, and I so get what its like to have a family business. Believe me if I were a guy I’d be home building houses taking over our construction business (wish I could do that now… maybe not, but still can’t wait to build our own house some day).

I just find it so unbearable to think that I’ve gone through grad school (which I am STILL NOT DONE with my paper – ugggghhhhhhhh) I have a good job, that I like, but do not love and cannot stay in forever. I’m on a tenure track position, but I really do not want to pursue tenure when I have no passion for the job!

My one hope is to stick this out long enough for a position to open at the local hospital, perhaps then I could get back into the clinical side of things. However, I just recently quit my PRN job because working overnight when pregnant did not sound appealing to me, and I’ve worked too hard to get to this point to feel stressed and overworked for a job that isn’t necessary.

I just feel stuck, can’t leave for anything that doesn’t get us close to what I make now, but I also can’t ask DH to change jobs just so I could hopefully be happier.

All I know is that I need to buck up, work hard on what I am doing now- can’t slack off just because I don’t care for the job. I still have students who depend on me and I could be so much better for them. I need to focus on my work and save stuff like blog posting, facebook checks, and ‘research’ (aka baby comparison shopping) to after hours. If I could just do the things that need to be done and feel proud of that I think I would be so much happier – but what is worse~ forcing yourself to do work you don’t like in hopes of being happy with those accomplishments, or leaving and creating a difficult situation in hopes of finding happiness in something you do?

Hope all is well in your world.

-Seeking Shirley

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Relief

First of all a big THANKS Lauri and Kelly – your support, thoughts, and prayers are awesome!

I got the results of my second beta back- drum roll please………………. 712!

So we went from 278 on Monday to 712 on Wednesday – more than doubled in 48 hours- Praise the Lord!

I had them order a progesterone test as well, just to ease my worried mind that I might have a possible luteal phase defect, and it was a good 35.3.

Feeling much better- closer to God in fact, I’ve been praying a lot and using specific prayers I’ve pulled off of the demi-god Google that have really helped me relax. Feel so much better having a set, poetic, focused prayer rather than just my cries for help, why me’s, and ramblings.

DH was super sweet this morning- it’s a shame one has to be newly pregnant to get him in a much better mood in the morning. He has horrible allergies and is always (and I mean always, as in each and every day) heavily congested in the a.m. As you can see in the image below- this is why, his ethmoid sinuses are nearly completely congested!

DH's cornal sinus image Trouble Breathing?  Such a handsome lad!

So now I’m off to write a paper- my goal is to have my my 1st draft to my teacher on Monday… now that I have this under my belt I feel so much better, and hopefully I can concentrate, focus, and put out some great work!

Thanks for visiting- our next step is to have another beta next Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound on 7/6! Can’t wait to see that little heart beat… well at least I think by then it should be there by then… and I hope it is there! Not out of the woods yet, but at least these woods seem quite friendlier than the scary, unforgiving woods of a miscarriage.

Love to all!

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Pregnancy

The Results Are In…

image

So today my sister and brother-in-law were at the house all day, and DH was working until 4:00. Didn’t get more than 3 hours of sleep so still pretty tired and couldn’t wait for my sister and her husband to leave, and DH to get home so we could test.

So around 4:15pm this afternoon the house was cleared out and we got our answer. I hadn’t told DH about the breast tenderness or anything until we were testing, just didn’t want to get our hopes up. I had two HPTs to use – both were Clear Blue Easy’s, I had a digital one and a regular blue line one to see how dark the line was.

Think I’m stalling a bit? Keeping you in suspense?

Well here I am below… Barefoot and Pregnant!

It’s a beautiful day, I got to wish DH a Happy Fathers Day, and I got to thank my Heavenly Father for some wonderful news.

Thanks for your visits and comments. I wish you all the best in your journey if you’re a fellow IFer.  I’m so glad I have a place to share my feelings, fears, tears, and moments such as these- you are the first to know, and will be the first/only ones to know for the next 8 weeks or so. If you’re a fellow IFer and are strong enough to stick around (I wasn’t, so not one hard feeling here) I’ll keep you abreast to our appointments etc.

Happy Fathers Day to the great men in our lives, and may we all get to celebrate our special days in the near future!

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I hate the 2WW!

Ugghhh…  This sucks so much!

Why couldn’t they just inject a fertilized egg into the uterine wall to create instant implantation yet?!  Not that we went the IVF route yet, we’re still on IUI- this is our third official IUI – I call it IUI 3.2 since our first 3rd attempt was canceled for too many follicles, and this time we used Femera to increase the number of follicles (but hopefully not over stimulating and having to cancel this cycle again) and Ovidrel to induce ovulation. We went down for a mid-cycle US on cycle day 12 and were told to do the injection on cycle day 14. We then went back to the clinic for the insemination on cycle day 16, which seemed late to me, but I guess they know what they are doing much more than I do. We had a hard time getting the catheter into my cervix- that’s a fun sentence to write!  DH almost passed out, and luckily it wasn’t from seeing my eyes water as the speculum was opened, closed, twisted, turned, pinched my leg, went up, went down- I have never been so molested by that metallic, duck-looking object before in all these years! With all that fun, the nurse got her in there, and boy did I have cramps then for a bit.  I hope this is all a good sign- it’s the 3rd time- 3rd times a charm, 3 is a magic number (a man and a woman, had a little baby… there were 3 in the family… that’s a magic number!- Thanks School House Rock!).  All of the other IUIs went just fine, but ended in more BFN- maybe this is a good omen, a poor start to a happy ending!  Let’s hope and pray!

I keep bouncing back and forth between cautious optimism and down right pessimism- that’s what 3 years of monthly failures will do to a gal!

I decided a couple of days ago that I have every right to be down, sad, pessimistic, negative, and refuse to exuding hope like a feel-good, nauseating Disney cartoon princess!  I’ve been doing this for three years, if I didn’t have hope, inner strength, fortitude, trust in God, etc. I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago- SO GET OFF OF MY BACK FERTILE MYRTILES!!!

I also had a ground breaking bit of positivity and allowed my self to believe fully in God, and the universe, and storks, and baby dust fairies that I WILL have a baby… but I still caution myself that it may not be this cycle. You can’t let your heart play out on the highway and not expect it to get flattened by a semi after history has taught you to expect it time after time after time!

So that’s my beef, by soap box, by rousing speech for you today- stand up for your right to have a pity part – every day if you need it- you’re a Strong Shirley- whether you are facing infertility, adoption, miscarriage, loss of a loved one, alcoholism, or loving an alcoholic then you know what it means to pick yourself up, dust off your britches and face it head on again, and again and again, and damn it you deserve a little pat on those britches for a job well done!

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A New Plan…

One thing I am very grateful for is my husbands resilience- I throw so many ideas his way and he just roles with the punches very well.  On Monday I was ready to put it all on the line and sign up for foster-parenting or foster-adoption. DH finally admitted to me openly that he does not think he could handle kids coming and going, and I realized that I’m not ready to provide the level or type of care required by many children in the foster care system. Although I really, really, really want to care/love/provide for/help/mother any living breathing thing near me, I need to do so for myself first.

For example: I’m a firm believer in the benefits of a healthy diet- with minimal artificial flavorings, colors, preservatives, etc. I believe that a good diet can do wonders for the body and mind (DH and my MIL are living testaments to this- they treated DH’s allergies and ADHD as a child with an additive/preservative-free diet). So I have it in my  mind that our children will be tortured with the same healthy diets that we as children were subjected to! However… I don’t do that now for myself, so what makes me think that I will do it when I have the added responsibilities and stresses of parenthood?

One of my passages from If at First You Don’t Conceive, by William Schoolcraft is the Inner Love Meditation – its all about the Eastern traditions of motherhood- it helped me to see that even without actual children in my care I skill possess and use all of the mothering characteristics. Caring hands, loving eyes, an open lap, and a heart that knows no end. Reading this passage helped me to see that I am already a mother- I would give my life quite quickly and without thought for my nephews, grandcousins, and grandfriends (children of my friends = grandfriends, like a grandmother and a grandchild. Same logic applies to the grandcousins), I’ve known a positive pregnancy test and that feeling of elation, and when I was pregnant and during my 2ww’s I avoid all things bad.

So why don’t I do this all the time?

I have all the eggs I will ever have- all the DNA I could possibly pass on is with me every second of every day and is subjected to whatever I put into or do to my body.

With that in mind, yesterday I hit up the DH with another idea… let’s hold off a cycle and work on ourselves first. We are only covered for three IUI cycles per year with our insurance, so we have one left and I want to make it count! I’m going to take this next month and establish good eating habits, a healthy diet, and a good exercise regimen. I’m also going to work on my mental health- how could I help teach a child how to deal with anger, disappointment, and responsibilities if I don’t handle them correctly myself. Hopefully with some weight loss and overall better health, the third time will be a charm!

I hope DH takes this time to seek help for himself and his alcoholism. I’m very scared that trying to have a child has not been enough to make him want to get better, a huge wreck was not enough, and I’m pretty sure that dealing with a pregnant me and subsequently a child later on will not be the magic kick in the ass he needs to get help. So I’m praying he will find the strength to fight his demons this month with me as we take the stress of ART out of the picture for a moment.

Here’s to health and happiness for us all!

-SeekingShirley

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Filed under Alcoholism, Infertility

Feeling Good Friday

 

Hi peoples!

Today is a beautiful day- sun is shining, my cappuccino is delicious, and I’m just generally feeling good.

On Wednesday during our second IUI we just had a good experience. The nurse was very nice and did all the right things a medical provider should do- she introduced herself, made small talk, made me feel at ease.

My DH was super supportive too- at our first IUI I was pretty much just scared- of failure, of success and then failure, of doing anything to hinder positive results {I was just plain SCARED}. On Wednesday, and during this last month really, he’s been much more attentive and has demonstrated what he knows about my cycle. It was so sweet when we were in the exam room waiting for the nurse he asked if I wanted him at my

side or in the chair. Just these simple things have made me feel so connected and reassured that he really does care- not that I didn’t know, but it’s hard to gather information from my silent and steadfast husband. You know how hard it is to interpret the opposite sex- we are just different beings.

Anywho- after the insemination I was lying there for my ten minutes and at this point last time I was in tears, but this time I was laughing! I’m really hoping the study done in Isreal about the fertility clown and the higher success rate for women who have a laugh immediately after implantation of their embryo(s) during IVF works for those of us going through IUI.

Look Who's Talking

Image via Wikipedia

I always wonder what exactly happens up in there- of course my only visual is the opening scene of “Look Who’s Talking”.

So while making small talk with DH I was demonstrating to him what I thought was going on- or was going to occur. It went something like this…

  • Squiggly sperm fingers making find themselves in what was described by my RE as a very pretty uterus (Thanks, Doc!)
  • Which way do they go? Squiggly sperm fingers look right, then left. Do they split up or do they all go one way? They take off in two groups swimming their way up and down my tubes- of course I have to demonstrate that my right fallopian tube is quite longer and more tortuous than my left with my squiggly sperm hands.
  • What’s this- an egg! So my left hand becomes a fist and the right handed squiggly sperm fingers attach the egg. One lucky sperm makes it as demonstrated to my DH by one sly squiggly sperm finger penetrating { might as well get some sort of penetration from this adventure- ha ha} the egg fist.
  • Then the fertilized egg starts to make it’s merry way down the fallopian trail, bopping along and growing from two cells, four cells, eight cells, and so on as my fist begins to relax.
  • In record speed, the tiny embryo fist begins to grow as the other hand comes into help demonstrate the developing fetus.. first a tiny ball, then an elongating little fetus who continues to grow and move- gives mom (ohh, that’s a nice sound) a kick or two and then…
  • Pop- it’s born with quite gusto as I thrust my arms through my bent knees and begin to cradle our little imaginary bundle of joy!

I giggled and laughed, got a smile and a look that said “you’re really strange, but I love you” from DH… and did it again because we still has 6 minutes or so to go (our baby grew really fast… wish the two week wait would go that fast! But then we wouldn’t call it the 2ww!)

So it was a good experience overall- much better than the first. A big (albeit, anonymous and unheard) thank you to our wonderful nurse! It’s people like that who can make this situation a little bit better with the right attitude and caring disposition!

Hope everything in your world is a little sunnier today!

Much love- SeekingShirley

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“No”

I love the word “No”! I told it to myself all day today, and I loved it!

I worked all day at work- not once did I check a personal website- No facebook, no personal email, no blog-reading, no blog update!

It felt STUPENDOUS!

Ironically, saying “No” to myself, left me feeling so free. Free from my poor work habits, and unnecessary ‘needs’ (like constant facebook check-ins)!

I hope something like the little, often misunderstood word “no” can bring a smile to your face for the second half of the week!

-SeekingShirley

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