Category Archives: Infertility

Deep Breath

Hello-

This week has not been all sunshine and rainbows for me. I’m struggling to get anything done on my final paper for grad school- I’m so mad at myself, and I know (my sister keeps telling me, DH keeps reminding me) that I just need to take a deep breath, relax, clear my head and move forward.  I have some axiety issues with this paper- I keep dwelling on my failures and I let it and every other bad thought fill my brain and overwhelm myself into despair and I start the cycle all over again… getting mad at myself for not getting anything done.

So in true me fashion I made a paper chain – enough for one ring per topic I need to cover in the rest of the paper, and each ring has a positive saying on it to keep me going.    🙂    Hopefully it works.  I’m feeling a bit better today, however I only got one topic completed (so far).

I’ve caught a cold that started on Sunday with a runny nose, that moved to my entire head on Monday, and now is in my chest today. I need my rest- I just stayed up too late this weekend and it did me in. I’m not looking forward to working this weekend at the hospital – on Friday I’m there from 3pm to 11pm, and on Saturday night/Sunday morning from midnight to 8am. Ughhh…. I’m putting in my two weeks notice once I get confirmation that my beta count has progressed normally.

Which brings my to my main concern (second concern behind the paper perhaps… nah, it’s my main concern)- I just keep waiting to start spotting/bleeding like last time. Each and every time I use the restroom (which is quite often, I’m drinking so much water at work!) my heart skips a beat with every successful outcome of no spotting!  I still keep waiting for it though, like it’s just around the corner- I read far much into every twinge and every absence of a twinge as a bad sign. I wish I could be more positive…

DH and I were talking this evening when he got back from group therapy (all is going sooooo well there, can’t thank God enough there!), and I figured up how many days of happy pregnancy I had last time with Aaron – 11 days until I started spotting from the time I had my first positive pregnancy test. Today its has been … well crap, it’s only been 9.

Well, I was going to write how much relief I felt thinking that I had surpassed my last pregnancy by two days without spotting, but I guess I was wrong… it’s only been nine days, but at least this time my boobs hurt!

So tomorrow I go and get another beta, just one to see how it’s all progressing- I’m hoping for anything over 3,500. A week ago my number was 712, and once the hCG count gets in the higher numbers it can take up to 96 hours to double so that’s what I’m going for. I figure shoot for low so I can be realistic, or happier when it’s higher I guess?  Here’s my math:

6/22 – 712

48 hours later – 6/24 ~1400 (once in the higher numbers taking up to 96 hours to double)

96 hours later – 6/28 ~ 2800

24 hours later – 6/29 ~ ?????? Hopefully above 3500

I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks for stopping by!

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Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

The Results Are In…

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So today my sister and brother-in-law were at the house all day, and DH was working until 4:00. Didn’t get more than 3 hours of sleep so still pretty tired and couldn’t wait for my sister and her husband to leave, and DH to get home so we could test.

So around 4:15pm this afternoon the house was cleared out and we got our answer. I hadn’t told DH about the breast tenderness or anything until we were testing, just didn’t want to get our hopes up. I had two HPTs to use – both were Clear Blue Easy’s, I had a digital one and a regular blue line one to see how dark the line was.

Think I’m stalling a bit? Keeping you in suspense?

Well here I am below… Barefoot and Pregnant!

It’s a beautiful day, I got to wish DH a Happy Fathers Day, and I got to thank my Heavenly Father for some wonderful news.

Thanks for your visits and comments. I wish you all the best in your journey if you’re a fellow IFer.  I’m so glad I have a place to share my feelings, fears, tears, and moments such as these- you are the first to know, and will be the first/only ones to know for the next 8 weeks or so. If you’re a fellow IFer and are strong enough to stick around (I wasn’t, so not one hard feeling here) I’ll keep you abreast to our appointments etc.

Happy Fathers Day to the great men in our lives, and may we all get to celebrate our special days in the near future!

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Filed under Happiness, Infertility, Pregnancy

Yup, its 2:15am

I am so concerned, worried, excited about tomorrow I cannot sleep.

I must confess that I’ve been feeling some breast pain, upset stomach, and have been pretty tired.  I also jump at any pain, cramp, twinge in the general area of the uterus.

But I’ve also been so worried that it could be causing the upset stomach, I worked over night last night and generally get pretty tired around my period, and I have also had a twinge of breast pain before and not been pregnant- perhaps its the Femera? and the cramps could only mean one thing…. A red carpet roll out for Aunt Flow (there are sooooooo many things wrong with that last statement, but give a girl a break… I’ve had about 5 hours of sleep in the last 36 almost 48 hours)

I keep telling myself that my period will come tomorrow.

Perhaps it will, and I’m reading far too much into all these peculiar symptoms. Like a hysterical pregnancy…

Or perhaps it will be positive tomorrow…

We shall see, for now I hope to sleep, thanks for being here with me during this time. Love to all!

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Having Patience is Testing my Patience!

I have no idea if IUI #3.2 was a success or not.  No early signs of pregnancy, no sign of Aunt Flo either… Today is CD #27… 3 more days to go and I’ll have my answer.

I don’t want to hate on the IF blogging community, fertility books, friends, etc… but it seems like everyone else who has achieved a pregnancy knew they were pregnant because of some early pregnancy signs. It doesn’t leave me with much hope, although my fortune cookie told me that “Opportunity awaits you on next Tuesday” so perhaps it will be a good outcome?!

And yes, I know, not all women experience the same symptoms – some have very few, and they can differ between pregnancies too, but it would be so much more reassuring if my boobs hurt or something. That’s all I’m asking for, a little or a lot of breast pain, nausea, frequent urination… anything but another period!

And on other thought- along the lines of the vague fortune cookie.  It’s very corny, but take what you can get I guess, I think I’m making it all up in my head any ways – I keep hearing/seeing “signs” of a possible good outcome. I sure don’t feel like it’s possible this month, and I try to keep a balance of hope and optimism to my pessimism and well… reality.  I feel like I’m teetering on a ledge and my emotions fly across the spectrum of happy to depressed, hope to despair, etc. in 0.5 seconds. Just want the wait to end – I hate the 2WW!

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I hate the 2WW!

Ugghhh…  This sucks so much!

Why couldn’t they just inject a fertilized egg into the uterine wall to create instant implantation yet?!  Not that we went the IVF route yet, we’re still on IUI- this is our third official IUI – I call it IUI 3.2 since our first 3rd attempt was canceled for too many follicles, and this time we used Femera to increase the number of follicles (but hopefully not over stimulating and having to cancel this cycle again) and Ovidrel to induce ovulation. We went down for a mid-cycle US on cycle day 12 and were told to do the injection on cycle day 14. We then went back to the clinic for the insemination on cycle day 16, which seemed late to me, but I guess they know what they are doing much more than I do. We had a hard time getting the catheter into my cervix- that’s a fun sentence to write!  DH almost passed out, and luckily it wasn’t from seeing my eyes water as the speculum was opened, closed, twisted, turned, pinched my leg, went up, went down- I have never been so molested by that metallic, duck-looking object before in all these years! With all that fun, the nurse got her in there, and boy did I have cramps then for a bit.  I hope this is all a good sign- it’s the 3rd time- 3rd times a charm, 3 is a magic number (a man and a woman, had a little baby… there were 3 in the family… that’s a magic number!- Thanks School House Rock!).  All of the other IUIs went just fine, but ended in more BFN- maybe this is a good omen, a poor start to a happy ending!  Let’s hope and pray!

I keep bouncing back and forth between cautious optimism and down right pessimism- that’s what 3 years of monthly failures will do to a gal!

I decided a couple of days ago that I have every right to be down, sad, pessimistic, negative, and refuse to exuding hope like a feel-good, nauseating Disney cartoon princess!  I’ve been doing this for three years, if I didn’t have hope, inner strength, fortitude, trust in God, etc. I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago- SO GET OFF OF MY BACK FERTILE MYRTILES!!!

I also had a ground breaking bit of positivity and allowed my self to believe fully in God, and the universe, and storks, and baby dust fairies that I WILL have a baby… but I still caution myself that it may not be this cycle. You can’t let your heart play out on the highway and not expect it to get flattened by a semi after history has taught you to expect it time after time after time!

So that’s my beef, by soap box, by rousing speech for you today- stand up for your right to have a pity part – every day if you need it- you’re a Strong Shirley- whether you are facing infertility, adoption, miscarriage, loss of a loved one, alcoholism, or loving an alcoholic then you know what it means to pick yourself up, dust off your britches and face it head on again, and again and again, and damn it you deserve a little pat on those britches for a job well done!

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Let’s Catch Up…

Hello- I’ve been absent for a while, no particular reason… just didn’t do my blog thing!

Well to let you in on what has happened since the first of April here’s a the run down:

  • I don’t really know what happened throughout April… it came, it went. No big news worth mentioning.
  • Towards the end of April while still trying to lose weight (I use the term try loosely, but I did have my biggest step forward in the last week of April) we attempted IUI #3. I was on 100mg of clomid, and felt just as I usually had, but when I had my mid-cycle ultrasound we found 5-6 mature follicles and my RE canceled our cycle. This left me a little completely pissed off- can’t figure out what’s our deal but I can sure produce the follicles!
  • The canceled IUI cycle came right after I caught my DH completely drunk. He “wasn’t very hungry” at dinner and barely ate a bit of pizza, when the man loves pizza, and he was oddly talkative and eager to help clean the house in preparation for Bunco the next evening. After dinner he went down stairs to shower and then I heard it- he was throwing up quite profusely. I took the poor guy a glass of water, and he couldn’t deny that he was completely blitzed. He confessed to downing 14 beers in the 15-20 minutes it took me to call him, go to the store, and drive home. We had many hugs and tears, and finished cleaning the house…
  • In the next coming days, between having the longest transvag US (ultrasound) and subsequent canceling of the IUI cycle, I gave DH an ultimatum – After three years it’s beyond time to get help or we will separate until you do! I slept in our spare bedroom the next two nights and went home over the weekend. There was never a struggle from DH, he just needed time to work through it all. He called and made an appointment for an evaluation.
  • The evaluation was yesterday, and I got to sit in on it. Last year, at the same location he went and they recommended about four weeks of individual meetings once a week… he did well for about 4-5 months, and was right back into it- and you all have seen the amount of damage he’s done since then! This time I am pleased to say that DH will be attending outpatient group therapy twice a week for 9 weeks, and then do once a week individual meetings after that for about 4 weeks!  Praise the Lord, I think this will get, and hopefully keep us on a good path for quite some time!  We will also be seeing a therapist for couples counseling and working on our communication.
  • May 9, 2011- would have been my due date for my first and only pregnancy that ended in a blighted ovum. After watching a program on three couples path through IF we were inspired to name our baby. Took a couple days to think of the perfect gender-neutral name for my perfect baby-angel, and then it hit me… Aaron! Aaron is named after his/her father’s middle name. And I know that the more common female version would be Erin, but I am just really fond of the double ‘a’, and fully believe that if our baby is a girl, she’d be perfectly capable of pulling off Aaron. So Aaron, my perfect baby-angel, was remembered quietly the day after Mother’s day- it was a very hard weekend, but I’m so much more at peace knowing he/she has a name (not to mention, that if the Rapture does occur this weekend, I’ll get to see my Aaron! And for the record, I believe that no one knows the day/time Jesus will return- only God)
  • In terms of our fertility path we came up with the following plan that I am pleased to announce:
    • We have one more IUI cycle covered by insurance, and we will cash-flow another through the summer months. In this cycle- IUI #3.2 (ha ha, get it, like software updates since we never really had a #3, and yet this isn’t #4- oh, so witty today!) I’ll be taking Femera, and doing the mid-cycle US with an ovulation trigger shot.
    • If not pregnant we see about doing a laparoscopy to see about endo/adhesions. I think this will conveniently occur during the weeks between our summer and fall semesters. Now this could go two ways- completely normal, or riddled with endo. If I do in fact have endo, then we’ll clean me out and try a couple more rounds of IUI. If not, then I guess our next step in this process would be IVF… but hello $$$$$, it would take us about a year to save up the money for IVF.
    • So we have decided to start our family through foster adoption in the event that IVF becomes our next move to having biologic copies of ourselves!

I am super psyched about this path! For the first time we have an actual road map… with an exit, or rather a new direction to our destination!

I do want to clarify that I don’t see any potential foster child/adoptee as consultation prizes, nor do I see them as an appetizer to hold me over until we can afford to have IVF or have any biological children. I see and know many children who have come from the foster care system and are thriving with their forever families- and I want to be that, and I have that capacity to fully love and accept a total stranger into my home and heart as my own!  To be honest, I am almost strangely more optimistic/excited for our foster adoption path than a successful IUI cycle?! Weird, but I think it just feels so much more  promising and finite. There will be an end to my yearning. When we take that step I can be so much more certain that a child will join our family. This won’t be without it’s bumps and share of heartache I’m sure, but neither is month, after month, after month of BFNs!

So that’s where we are at- IUI cycle #3.2, a name for our baby-angel, a plan for a family, and a plan for my man!

Life isn’t perfect, but it is looking brighter!  I feel good!

Thanks for stopping by, stay tuned for an exciting summer! And if you have insight to the foster-adoption system, I’d be very grateful for any help or information!

Much Love-

SeekingShirley

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Filed under Alcoholism, Infertility

Their ignorance is not my bliss!

Five whole days later, another good friend is pregnant- It’s raining hCG!!!!!

I love both of my friends dearly, but this is how they told me, see if you can spot the incredibly annoying, ignorant statements:

  • Prego #1, “Any good news?”
  • Me, “No, we taking this next month off to lose some weight and hopefully better our chances”
  • Prego #1, “Have you guys thought about adoption?”
  • Me, “Well last Monday I was ready to throw it all in and sign up for foster care. The house is just so empty, I just want to care for and love someone asap!”
  • Prego#1, “Well, you can have mine…”
  • Me, …. blank stare… (internal comentary, “Are you fucking kidding me”)… blank stare…
  • Prego #1, “Yeah, I’m pregnant. This is what booze will do to ya! I so wish you had good news, you are the last person, and I mean the last person that I’ve told…”

No on to today’s {heart} breaking news:

  • Prego #2: “I’m Pregnant!”  …. via text…. our last text conversation – December 2010.

Both are beautiful, loving, fun, awesome ladies- I love them both dearly, and I would have done the same stupid stuff three years ago as well. Hell, I did just yesterday! It was my friend’s birthday yesterday, and after wishing her a happy b-day we discussed our new plan, and she gave me a compliment about my weight saying there’s no excess weight to be found, and what do I do???  Say, “Oh yeah, I’m a good 20-30#s heavier than my drinking/bad eating habit days.”- how insensitive of me, since my friend has put on a bit more than my 20-30 after giving birth to three beautiful children.

Are we all  just dumb?!  I think we all have our moments. So I’m letting it all slide. We all make mistakes and have moments of stupid comments. It would just be nice if everyone was as aware of how hurtful comments be.

Happy Weekend Everyone…

SeekingShirley – now taking applications for a non-pregnant close friend!

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