Category Archives: Happiness

Hard Facts

Well this post has really nothing to do with infertility, alcoholism, or really even being pregnant even though my future after having a baby is the key topic of discussion today.

I don’t like my job. I hate sitting here in front of the computer for 90% of my work week. I want to be active and work with people- have conversations, use words! I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, but sitting here in my office is not for me. So you might say that I need to change jobs – simple enough, right?

Wrong, my job is the bread winner of our family, it also provides us with our health insurance and it’s super flexible (at least in terms of come/go hours, ability to leave for appointments, etc.). So I can’t just willy-nilly leave and pursue anything that wouldn’t also provide most of these luxuries. This makes me feel so bad – if DH would happen to get a better paying job, perhaps one that had insurance options etc. then I could pursue other ideas like a home daycare and sunless tanning job (random- I know, but people say I’m really good with kids and should open up a daycare, and I have a huge passion for safe sun and there really is nobody in town who is solely in the business of sunless tanning).

If we weren’t tied to the family farm we could leave town and find opportunities elsewhere, but we like it here, and I so get what its like to have a family business. Believe me if I were a guy I’d be home building houses taking over our construction business (wish I could do that now… maybe not, but still can’t wait to build our own house some day).

I just find it so unbearable to think that I’ve gone through grad school (which I am STILL NOT DONE with my paper – ugggghhhhhhhh) I have a good job, that I like, but do not love and cannot stay in forever. I’m on a tenure track position, but I really do not want to pursue tenure when I have no passion for the job!

My one hope is to stick this out long enough for a position to open at the local hospital, perhaps then I could get back into the clinical side of things. However, I just recently quit my PRN job because working overnight when pregnant did not sound appealing to me, and I’ve worked too hard to get to this point to feel stressed and overworked for a job that isn’t necessary.

I just feel stuck, can’t leave for anything that doesn’t get us close to what I make now, but I also can’t ask DH to change jobs just so I could hopefully be happier.

All I know is that I need to buck up, work hard on what I am doing now- can’t slack off just because I don’t care for the job. I still have students who depend on me and I could be so much better for them. I need to focus on my work and save stuff like blog posting, facebook checks, and ‘research’ (aka baby comparison shopping) to after hours. If I could just do the things that need to be done and feel proud of that I think I would be so much happier – but what is worse~ forcing yourself to do work you don’t like in hopes of being happy with those accomplishments, or leaving and creating a difficult situation in hopes of finding happiness in something you do?

Hope all is well in your world.

-Seeking Shirley

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Relief

First of all a big THANKS Lauri and Kelly – your support, thoughts, and prayers are awesome!

I got the results of my second beta back- drum roll please………………. 712!

So we went from 278 on Monday to 712 on Wednesday – more than doubled in 48 hours- Praise the Lord!

I had them order a progesterone test as well, just to ease my worried mind that I might have a possible luteal phase defect, and it was a good 35.3.

Feeling much better- closer to God in fact, I’ve been praying a lot and using specific prayers I’ve pulled off of the demi-god Google that have really helped me relax. Feel so much better having a set, poetic, focused prayer rather than just my cries for help, why me’s, and ramblings.

DH was super sweet this morning- it’s a shame one has to be newly pregnant to get him in a much better mood in the morning. He has horrible allergies and is always (and I mean always, as in each and every day) heavily congested in the a.m. As you can see in the image below- this is why, his ethmoid sinuses are nearly completely congested!

DH's cornal sinus image Trouble Breathing?  Such a handsome lad!

So now I’m off to write a paper- my goal is to have my my 1st draft to my teacher on Monday… now that I have this under my belt I feel so much better, and hopefully I can concentrate, focus, and put out some great work!

Thanks for visiting- our next step is to have another beta next Wednesday, and then our first ultrasound on 7/6! Can’t wait to see that little heart beat… well at least I think by then it should be there by then… and I hope it is there! Not out of the woods yet, but at least these woods seem quite friendlier than the scary, unforgiving woods of a miscarriage.

Love to all!

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Pregnancy

The Results Are In…

image

So today my sister and brother-in-law were at the house all day, and DH was working until 4:00. Didn’t get more than 3 hours of sleep so still pretty tired and couldn’t wait for my sister and her husband to leave, and DH to get home so we could test.

So around 4:15pm this afternoon the house was cleared out and we got our answer. I hadn’t told DH about the breast tenderness or anything until we were testing, just didn’t want to get our hopes up. I had two HPTs to use – both were Clear Blue Easy’s, I had a digital one and a regular blue line one to see how dark the line was.

Think I’m stalling a bit? Keeping you in suspense?

Well here I am below… Barefoot and Pregnant!

It’s a beautiful day, I got to wish DH a Happy Fathers Day, and I got to thank my Heavenly Father for some wonderful news.

Thanks for your visits and comments. I wish you all the best in your journey if you’re a fellow IFer.  I’m so glad I have a place to share my feelings, fears, tears, and moments such as these- you are the first to know, and will be the first/only ones to know for the next 8 weeks or so. If you’re a fellow IFer and are strong enough to stick around (I wasn’t, so not one hard feeling here) I’ll keep you abreast to our appointments etc.

Happy Fathers Day to the great men in our lives, and may we all get to celebrate our special days in the near future!

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Filed under Happiness, Infertility, Pregnancy

Oh to be done…

Hello Shirlies-

It’s been quite a while since my last post. It’s been almost a month since I had my D&C. Things are going pretty well, still have (and I believe I always will in some way) bad moments when the reminder of my miscarriage is a little too much.

For instance- I went to Wal-Mart today and thought about how it was only about the second time since I had my miscarriage that I had been in Wal-Mart. Funny how a store with nearly everything one would need on a daily basis is a big reminder of the few days that I was happily pregnant- walking down the isles looking forward to the days when I would truly belong in the baby section.

But back to my absence- I have some good news… I’ve been working on my grad school research paper!  It’s much like a thesis, this is my exit file paper, the big one, the one that will set me free… the one I’ve been putting off for 18 months now!

I’ve read over sixty articles to get here and now I’m desperately (and yet not so desperately) writing so I can turn it in and be done with it!

It all started about 12 days ago when I had had enough! I took a “sick” day and came up with a plan to finish this chapter in my life. I even went so far as to make a paper chain with messages to myself to keep me motivated and going. And I was doing good I tell you- these past two weeks have been pretty good in terms of productivity and positive self-feelings. Yet, after doing some double checking I realized that the final paper has to be in a whole week before I was planning on. This means that not only am I too late by regular standards, but I am pretty much 99% sure that even if I do produce a really good paper to my adviser I will still not graduate this semester.

Needless to say, my drive came to a screeching halt this weekend, and so I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I will not stop again and wait until next semester, I WILL GET THIS PAPER DONE… just maybe not in time to graduate this fall, and I’m ok with that.

So with that, I am off again to write some more. It is soooo much easier to write here than on that paper- if only it were so easy!

My new motto today: “Don’t let anything distract you from winning” – Sue Sylvester, Glee.

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Filed under Grad School, Happiness, Miscarriage, Productivity

A Surge of Shirley!

After just posting about my sad, helpless feelings and reactions from yesterday. I checked my stats- and Wow! Two people have visited my blog today! I can’t very well leave the “World of Shirleys” with a depressing post- we need some positive thoughts here.

So I jotted down the following list of things that I can control and that will make me happy!

  1. Finishing grad school – or a more specific and measurable goal: working today to read at least two articles. More if I feel so compelled!
  2. Being physically active – I have it all here and ready to attend Yoga and a bit of Zumba this evening. I will attend!
  3. Having a clean and organized home – Ummmm, this one will take time, and I do not have the time today, but that’s ok- it’s a long term goal. I did vacuum my couch yesterday evening and I taped off the entry-way from the basement this morning so that no more dry-wall dust will enter the upstairs!
  4. Paying off ALL bills on time this month, and becoming debt-free!  Yeah, I’m a Dave Ramsey fan, completed Financial Peace University last year and if “John” and I would just put our noses to the grind stone we’d be done in no time. (I’m starting to see a pattern of procrastination and inactivity towards meeting my goals as a source of discontent in my life, are you?)
  5. Eating a clean and healthy diet – I highly recommend anything by Tosca Reno (she’s so inspirational), the Eat-Clean Diet books, and I did like the Clean book as well. I truly believe (yet do not practice) that eating whole, clean foods as we were intended can and would improve our very existence in extraordinary ways!
  6. Having an active social life with friends – Not that I don’t have friends, but I live away from MY family and childhood, close friends. So the friends that we do have up here are my husbands family and friends, and while I do very much feel loved and welcomed I feel lonely. To remedy this I need to take action and set up ‘dates’ with our friends and become more socially active – easy enough, sending a message today!
  7. Going to church and having a close relationship with God – it’s been tough, but I do rely on God. I need to work on accepting and surrendering to Him the things that I cannot change, and asking for His help in identifying and taking action on the things that I can change. I recently started to attend Alanon meetings and I really enjoy reading the daily devotionals to help remind me of this. It has helped me learn and deal with my husbands alcoholism, but I still have a long ways to go. I will attend my meeting to night!

So there you have it- a list of seven things that will lead to happiness! I have a favorite saying in my life – “Happiness Lies in Action”.

I can cry and complain all I want, but nothing will change for the better until I make the changes necessary to drive me closer to my goals.

Wishing you the best in your adventure to your own personal happiness!

-MyOwnShirley

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Filed under Alcoholism, Diet, Happiness, Well-being

The beginning is a very good place to start

Hello World- I am “MyOwnShirley” and this is my public yet private journal to help me deal with the many issues is my life – it’s cheaper than therapy, right?

Why the anonymity you ask? To protect the innocent (my husband, family, and friends), and to allow me to share my emotions and experiences freely without fear of being outed.

As the first post, I figured we should lay out some background information for you…Here are my issues:

  • I lost one of my best friends to melanoma in February of 2010 after a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ battle over two and half years. She was an amazing woman who has given me so much learn from.  I strive to adopt her greatest characteristics and attitudes as my own through this blog.
  • My husband – let’s call him John- is an alcoholic. Shortly before we were to celebrate his 10th anniversary of sobriety he had a relapse. Naively I thought this one indecent was it, and I dismissed my suspicions. Come to find out around Thanksgiving of 2009 he’s been drinking for two years of our three year marriage. I love him and would do anything to help him regain his sobriety and pride and happiness, but through my own healing process I understand that I too have no control over alcoholism and can only offer my continued love, support, and understanding… and many, many prayers.
  • Infertility. It’s the life-draining battle that probably most controls my thoughts, dreams, fears, and emotions. We’ve been trying to start our family for a little over two years now- I know, it’s not the longest anyone has ever tried, but to each person their personal battle with infertility is their own hell-like war. I am not the same happy, optimistic person I was two years ago, and I want her back badly.
  • Pregnancy and Miscarriage. This is the newest issue to surface in my life. On September 1, 2010 I had my first positive pregnancy test – completely without medical intervention we were able to conceive a child- Hallelujah! I had hope and joy back into my life- the sky was brighter, my job was more than tolerable, my fears were more real. Ten days later I started spotting – you know the kind, and yesterday (9/13/2010) a blood test began confirmation that my greatest fear of loosing my baby was becoming real. I have a follow up blood draw tomorrow to confirm it, I have no hope for a happy outcome and have begun my healing process, but how do you say goodbye?
  • The background issue in my life that is mine and mine alone, is my inability to match my behavior to my morals, ethics, and goals.  Talk about a good example- I’m at work right now… and I’m starting my personal blog instead of working. I need to work on these, obviously- Integrity, Discipline, and Focus.

So this has been an overview of my issues, now you know where I’m coming from. Surely I am not alone… Surely someone else out there is affected by alcoholism, cancer, loss, infertility, and lacks self-discipline all at the same time.

Of the many things listed here the only one I can control is my actions and attitude.So while I wait for Shirley to find this, I’ll advocate to be my own Shirley and work one day at a time towards my ultimate goal of peace and happiness.

Best wishes in your own journey!

-MyOwnShirley

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Filed under Alcoholism, Cancer, Happiness, Infertility, Loss, Miscarriage