Deep Breath

Hello-

This week has not been all sunshine and rainbows for me. I’m struggling to get anything done on my final paper for grad school- I’m so mad at myself, and I know (my sister keeps telling me, DH keeps reminding me) that I just need to take a deep breath, relax, clear my head and move forward.  I have some axiety issues with this paper- I keep dwelling on my failures and I let it and every other bad thought fill my brain and overwhelm myself into despair and I start the cycle all over again… getting mad at myself for not getting anything done.

So in true me fashion I made a paper chain – enough for one ring per topic I need to cover in the rest of the paper, and each ring has a positive saying on it to keep me going.    🙂    Hopefully it works.  I’m feeling a bit better today, however I only got one topic completed (so far).

I’ve caught a cold that started on Sunday with a runny nose, that moved to my entire head on Monday, and now is in my chest today. I need my rest- I just stayed up too late this weekend and it did me in. I’m not looking forward to working this weekend at the hospital – on Friday I’m there from 3pm to 11pm, and on Saturday night/Sunday morning from midnight to 8am. Ughhh…. I’m putting in my two weeks notice once I get confirmation that my beta count has progressed normally.

Which brings my to my main concern (second concern behind the paper perhaps… nah, it’s my main concern)- I just keep waiting to start spotting/bleeding like last time. Each and every time I use the restroom (which is quite often, I’m drinking so much water at work!) my heart skips a beat with every successful outcome of no spotting!  I still keep waiting for it though, like it’s just around the corner- I read far much into every twinge and every absence of a twinge as a bad sign. I wish I could be more positive…

DH and I were talking this evening when he got back from group therapy (all is going sooooo well there, can’t thank God enough there!), and I figured up how many days of happy pregnancy I had last time with Aaron – 11 days until I started spotting from the time I had my first positive pregnancy test. Today its has been … well crap, it’s only been 9.

Well, I was going to write how much relief I felt thinking that I had surpassed my last pregnancy by two days without spotting, but I guess I was wrong… it’s only been nine days, but at least this time my boobs hurt!

So tomorrow I go and get another beta, just one to see how it’s all progressing- I’m hoping for anything over 3,500. A week ago my number was 712, and once the hCG count gets in the higher numbers it can take up to 96 hours to double so that’s what I’m going for. I figure shoot for low so I can be realistic, or happier when it’s higher I guess?  Here’s my math:

6/22 – 712

48 hours later – 6/24 ~1400 (once in the higher numbers taking up to 96 hours to double)

96 hours later – 6/28 ~ 2800

24 hours later – 6/29 ~ ?????? Hopefully above 3500

I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks for stopping by!

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1 Comment

Filed under Alcoholism, Grad School, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

One response to “Deep Breath

  1. Laurie

    I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed…sounds great that your husband is doing so well! I hope you will get a great beta rise and get a bit of relief!! Hope you feel better!

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