A New Plan…

One thing I am very grateful for is my husbands resilience- I throw so many ideas his way and he just roles with the punches very well.  On Monday I was ready to put it all on the line and sign up for foster-parenting or foster-adoption. DH finally admitted to me openly that he does not think he could handle kids coming and going, and I realized that I’m not ready to provide the level or type of care required by many children in the foster care system. Although I really, really, really want to care/love/provide for/help/mother any living breathing thing near me, I need to do so for myself first.

For example: I’m a firm believer in the benefits of a healthy diet- with minimal artificial flavorings, colors, preservatives, etc. I believe that a good diet can do wonders for the body and mind (DH and my MIL are living testaments to this- they treated DH’s allergies and ADHD as a child with an additive/preservative-free diet). So I have it in my  mind that our children will be tortured with the same healthy diets that we as children were subjected to! However… I don’t do that now for myself, so what makes me think that I will do it when I have the added responsibilities and stresses of parenthood?

One of my passages from If at First You Don’t Conceive, by William Schoolcraft is the Inner Love Meditation – its all about the Eastern traditions of motherhood- it helped me to see that even without actual children in my care I skill possess and use all of the mothering characteristics. Caring hands, loving eyes, an open lap, and a heart that knows no end. Reading this passage helped me to see that I am already a mother- I would give my life quite quickly and without thought for my nephews, grandcousins, and grandfriends (children of my friends = grandfriends, like a grandmother and a grandchild. Same logic applies to the grandcousins), I’ve known a positive pregnancy test and that feeling of elation, and when I was pregnant and during my 2ww’s I avoid all things bad.

So why don’t I do this all the time?

I have all the eggs I will ever have- all the DNA I could possibly pass on is with me every second of every day and is subjected to whatever I put into or do to my body.

With that in mind, yesterday I hit up the DH with another idea… let’s hold off a cycle and work on ourselves first. We are only covered for three IUI cycles per year with our insurance, so we have one left and I want to make it count! I’m going to take this next month and establish good eating habits, a healthy diet, and a good exercise regimen. I’m also going to work on my mental health- how could I help teach a child how to deal with anger, disappointment, and responsibilities if I don’t handle them correctly myself. Hopefully with some weight loss and overall better health, the third time will be a charm!

I hope DH takes this time to seek help for himself and his alcoholism. I’m very scared that trying to have a child has not been enough to make him want to get better, a huge wreck was not enough, and I’m pretty sure that dealing with a pregnant me and subsequently a child later on will not be the magic kick in the ass he needs to get help. So I’m praying he will find the strength to fight his demons this month with me as we take the stress of ART out of the picture for a moment.

Here’s to health and happiness for us all!

-SeekingShirley

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4 Comments

Filed under Alcoholism, Infertility

4 responses to “A New Plan…

  1. Sounds like you’re choosing the smart thing. I don’t think anyone can be perfect but I do believe that you can make yourself a better person and certainly someone better for others to be around. We’re all works in progress, some of us working harder and more steadily than others (LOL). Good luck.

  2. Hey, thanks so much for your support over at mine. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with a blighted ovum too. Sending you lots of good wishes for the New Plan – and hoping that your DH starts dealing with his issues. xxh

  3. Lu

    Wow – you have such a wonderful attitude. I like your positivity, and best wishes as you work on your IUI!

  4. I think it’s great that you’re taking a little time to focus on yourself and cementing in some healthy habits. I would say, though, that parenting, as with everything in life, is progress not perfection. No one is ever 100% ready. Our parents weren’t perfect either. While it may seem that we were all brought up in a more healthy way than the way we live and eat today, I remember being given Kool-Aid to drink and Spaghetti-O’s from a can to eat. We just have to do the best we can. I do hope that your husband wants to heal his alcoholism and will do what is necessary, so that he can fully participate in everything you dream of having and doing in your life.

    Lisa (ICLW #112)

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