Soul Food {and Drink}

Hi there… Yesterday was a tough one.  I found a letter from our water provider to remind us to pay our water bill…  ever so conveniently hidden by it’s self in drawer in the garage. This did not make me happy, in fact I was quite pissed (which is my favorite four-letter word… well piss is a four letter work, but you get the gist). DH is responsible for the water and electrical bills, and I try to help remind him when I can- which makes me feel like a nag, but his track record is pretty poor right now.

Geesh- everything I put on here makes him sound so awful… but he’s not! He’s a really great man, just consistently hides the truth when it may disappoint me. This irritates me to no end, and any time I confront a situation he sits on a couch or chair, looks down, and the only thing he can say is “I don’t know” and “I’m sorry”

Some of you might be thinking this is a pretty sweet deal- a man who will immediately say he’s sorry and nothing else!  I say far from it… it’s a one way conversation in a two way marriage.  It makes me feel awful like I’m disciplining a poor defenseless child or puppy. I need my man to be my man and be responsible and act like the head of household that I need him to be so I can work on everything else in my life without having to wonder if he really did pay that bill or not.

So irritating! And knowing that our first IUI cycle did not work it sent me over an edge… I really wanted a drink. I read about other couples when they find out they’re not pregnant once again they open a bottle of wine, or have some coffee together, or go out with friends and take their mind off of the devastating news. Well, when your husband’s an alcoholic you cant do such things, and when he only drinks pop and energy drinks having a nice cup of coffee or hot tea together doesn’t work either.

I’ve associated food and drink with many social and familial interactions. Coffee in the evening (yes, the evening) or on a Saturday morning with my Mom and aunts, or with my friends on our way to class in college- it’s a warm, delicious bond. Fried chicken on Sunday’s at Grandma’s house was the perfect compliment after church. Don’t get me started on home-made ice cream on a hot summer day to celebrate someone’s birthday!

And then in college drinking with friends- having a beer with Dad- offering one to my future husband the first time I met him and being taken back by the fact that he didn’t drink, yet here he was… it was amazing!

I love sitting around a table or out on a porch with a drink in hand surrounded by family and friends! It’s amazing, it’s lasting, and I’m thoroughly lacking my soul food and drink fixes.  Not to mention the family and friends- I miss them. I’m bitter and I’m alone- can’t say it’s all because of my life’s issues, but being the childless wife of an alcoholic hours away from your home town family and friends doesn’t exactly open the doors to truck loads of social invitations.

Ok- so my best remedy is to invite people to drink coffee, or to a party… but I don’t think parties are good right now. I’ll stick with coffee…

Thanks for listening. If you have words of wisdom on dealing with such situations I’d love to hear it!

-SeekingShirley

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Filed under Alcoholism, Infertility

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