I am once again without child.
I had a D&C on Friday. The day began with another ultrasound that confirmed that I had a blighted ovum (or a anembryonic pregnancy) – basically I grew the gestational sac and placenta, but no baby inside the sac.
I kept my pregnancy and miscarriage (which I had known about for a little over two weeks) from my family. The hardest part of today and yesterday was having to talk with all of them. They all mean well, but I really just want to grieve by myself and in my own way. I’ve cried several times, and I will cry many more times. I’m sad and hurt and my hope is crushed once again, but it is what it is and “life” must go on.
I guess I’m lucky that it happened so early- I can’t imagine having a miscarriage or a still birth – I consider myself lucky that I really didn’t get to form a connection with my first baby. Today I felt a little different, knowing that there was nothing there anymore. At least the last few weeks I still felt that I could contribute to my baby’s existence in different ways- like still not drinking, or sharing DQ ice-cream cone with it.
It was just so perfect- too perfect, I guess. I was due in the beginning of May- so I possibly could have completed the entire spring semester at work and taken the summer off. I would have had a baby to take to my 10 high-school reunion- I’m the only one in my class without a child, and I now this because I come from a class of 13. All of my friends are done having kids- their kids really will babysit mine. Christmas and my birthday were going to be filled with free maternity clothes. Both “John” and I would have been able to celebrate our first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day with our baby in our arms. The baby had given “John” such a great reason to really work on his struggle with alcohol. I miss the way he looked at me, knowing that I was carrying his child. He’s been so strong and supportive. I was going to surprise my sister with the good news by being her designated driver at the local Oktoberfest celebration next week. I would have been 8 weeks, almost 9.We were going to capture the moments we told our families our good news and create a video, similar to this great video we saw on YouTube. So many plans, ideas, and great expetations for two people in 9 days.
I made it to 7 weeks 4 days. I found out I was pregnant on September 1, 2010, started to bleed on September 10, 2010, and had my final moments with my baby up until my D&C on September, 24, 2010.
A week and a half of pure bliss, mixed with fear and excitement.
I know I am not alone on this- so for all the Shirleys out there who’ve lost their babies, I pray for you, and wish you nothing but the best in the future. May you have the peace that passes all understanding, and hope to hold on to.