Waiting for Relief

Hello Shirleys-

I had another hCG quant drawn yesterday. I was sort of hoping it would go down- I would really like for the pain of a miscarriage to subside as quickly as it came on if that would be possible. But alas- my number went up- to 5980? Now, I’m in a branch of the medical field, so I know that this is not exactly a good indication that all is well. It would be really nice if my OB-GYN or the nurses on his staff would just come out and say what it is they are thinking in very specific medial terms. That’s what I know and understand, and it would be so nice to hear the words come out of their mouths so I can let go of the tiny thread of hope that just keeps tugging at me.

I’ve conjured up that I am experiencing a blighted ovum, or what is also known as an “anembryonic pregnancy”. Basically, as I understand it with my ‘google’ education- my egg was fertilized, embed into the wall of my uterus, and began to grow, but only the gestational sac grew- there is no embryo growing. My hCG levels can continue to rise as the placenta begins to develop. I have a follow-up ultrasound on Thursday, but no other lab draws necessary.

So that’s where I am at. Dealing with the cramping and continuous spotting. Parenting is the hardest job ever- even when you’re not a parent in other’s eyes. And speaking of the eyes of others- I have a gathering tonight where beer is going to be served, and what does a lady do? Half of the group has seen my name come up for a 1st trimester ultrasound exam, but only one knows the outcome ( and she was even upbeat at the exam, didn’t much care for that, and yet I did- again I just feel like I’m being mislead into hoping for the impossible). I still want to care for whatever is inside me by not drinking or eating poorly (the will to eat raw vegetables and fruits for a baby’s sake is pretty much gone now, I’ve been losing myself in bags of candy and chips- I had a large pop yesterday too). However, I also don’t want to deal with the “Are you pregnant?” looks and questions tonight. I just want to ward off any and all comments or thoughts related to pregnancy right now. And has anyone noticed that baby-issues are everywhere in TV? Two of my favorite shows premiered yesterday and both dealt with TTC (Trying to Conceive) and infertility. Man, I wish our issues could be resolved in a funny manner in a 30 minute time frame!

Is anyone out there feeling confused and crushed at the same time too?

Wishing you the best my Shirley’s!



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Filed under Infertility, Miscarriage, Well-being

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