Man, Shirleys- I am racked with confusion and personal, internal confrontations. I battle with how I should deal with my husbands alcoholism. At first when we started dating six years ago he was very comfortable with being around people who were drinking, but since he’s endouring a relapse I do not keep alcohol in the house, and I try not to drink at anytime around him.
Now, I say ‘try’ because of my internal conflict to protect myself and my husband. I don’t want to share my pregnancy/miscarriage with anyone so I feel I have to protect my own personal wall of keeping foreign invaders out by having a drink. I also am confronted with my own longing to protect whatever is still inside of me by avoid the usual food and drink avoided by all the happily pregnant women out there (I’m dealing with the bitterness and jealousy, but I’m not doing a very good job at it, obviously). In regard to my husband, I’m afraid that if I were to not drink with family and friends and convince them that I’m not pregnant, that then they would wonder if he was having problems. It would be great if ‘John’ would decide to tell his friends and family and openly deal with his recovery, but that is his decision I guess.
At times I just want to have a friendly, guilt-free beer with my friends and be happy again. Drinking was so simple in the past. At times I want to give up drinking altogether, and other times I just want to bury my sorrows in a concoction of my past favorites. And I would be lying if I haven’t drempt of being able to drink with my husband- it seems like it would solve a lot of my ‘lack of social connections’ issues. People just don’t call the couple who doesn’t drink when looking for someone to grab a bite to eat and a drink. (But marrying my DD is a great advantage!)
I think it’s a controlling issue, and I know I should not be so concerned, but my husband hides his drinking. I don’t think he drinks every day- especially during his good weeks, but I just want to know when and how much. I guess so I could help identify triggers for him. Listen to me- for him, it’s his battle, and I have to accept that he must fight it and all I can do is be his cheerleader on the sideline.
It’s very complicated balancing the external and internal pressures of loving an alcoholic. I can’t wait for Thursday- I need my Alanon meeting.
I’m still not sure what to do about tonight- I guess it’s a good time for a fake UTI!
-Until another time, MyOwnShirley