I Feel Like a Hospice Center

Hello Shirleys-

Yesterday I had a repeat HCG quant count to detect the level of pregnancy hormone in my system. The level had risen since Monday, but it had not doubled so later that afternoon I had an ultrasound to check for an ectopic pregnancy and evaluate fetal development.

I have to have a transvaginal ultrasound (where the transducer – or probe- is placed within the vagina to obtain a much better view) performed by a friend/coworker/acquaintance. This was not bad at all- I knew this was very likely and I was very glad to get the technologist that I did- she’s a WONDERFUL person and technologist who I know will up hold the information in the most professional manner. The complicated part is that my sister-in-law is also a sonographer in this same department- small town lack of options in health care. So I know she had to see my name on the board and we had not told anyone about our pregnancy and of course this impending miscarriage. So I just pray she keeps this to herself as she is required by law and that she never wishes to discuss it with me.

Is it strange that I want to hide this so badly- I want to grieve and recover totally on my own. I would love to take a day off of work to just sit in my home and contemplate it all, but currently we’re undergoing renovations and my mother-in-law and father-in-law (whom we rent from) are there during the day scraping and painting this week.  They are wonderful people (as is my sister-in-law) but I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, advise, or well-wishes right now. I just want normalcy. I just want silent prayer wishes that they say on the own terms.

I am totally lost as to how I feel, or how I am suppose to feel. I no longer feel pregnant- the few symptoms that I did experience have gone away. My emotions and reactions stretch from extreme highs to extreme lows. I want to eat nothing and everything, I want to drink my sorrows away and yet I want to go completely dry for ever until I have a child of my own. I want to run, be active, and healthy while simultaneously wanting to curl up on the couch with cookies, milk, pop-corn, pop, fast food, and candy bars.

The only thing I can equate this mixed bag of emotions is to my time with “Autumn” while she was in her final weeks in hospice care. It was the hardest thing I had ever asked the Lord – to either heal my friend with a miracle beyond medical comprehension or to release her from her earthly form and relentless pain and suffering. The Lord listened and that evening she passed away shortly after our friend “Lauren” and I brought Autumn’s husband dinner. I truly believe she then knew we would take care of him and each other and she could let go. Now she sits in Heaven with her two baby’s that never were, playing, laughing, loving- free from pain, sorrow, suffering.

I’m numb and raw at the same time. I feel like my body is a hospice care center for my first baby. All I can do is pray. Pray for a miracle and God’s grace to reverse what ever has gone wrong and continue with a viable pregnancy, or pray for an end to all this, to have relief and peace at the passing of our first child whom we will never know.

All I can do is provide a safe and loving place for baby to complete it’s short turn in this life. So, no drinking, now (more) eating poorly, and still taking the prenatal vitamins. If only I could provide some puzzles or games for it to play with during this this- it’s the thought that counts anyways.  For now I’ll continue to talk to it, pray for it, and hope for a brighter future (but that is so very hard to do). Thankfully my husband is my rock and has been so strong and supportive- I knew I married him for a reason!

Hope all is well for you out there. I’ll be more positive next time, promise!



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Filed under Cancer, Loss, Miscarriage

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